incompetent

my grandma died a few days ago. it's sad. we weren't very close, but it makes you think about stuff that isn't very fun to think about.

things in my life are about to get very difficult. there's a part of me that's excited about moving to portland. there's an even bigger part of me that recognizes the difference between the tingle of excitement you get from something new and refreshing, and the burning, cavernous ache you get from something you know you want to have in your life forever. i'm feeling that ache right now, and it's not from a city.

i'm scared of losing it. it was easy to think that it would always be there. but now i'm moving.... it can wither and die, or get much, much stronger. both are pretty scary right now.