incest

dear angel,

i haven't seen you since my twenty second birthday & now it is my thirty third. i still am not ever certain that i have any direction in my life that i have asked for & i'm am also certain that i never will unless of course i sprout wings. which brings me to what you said to me the very first time you lured me back into what was real...well what seemed real to the greatest number of people & provided them with what was coined the greatest good...but here i am again chasing fool's gold & the doctor's not around to reassure me that i am sane...as you can tell i still drift like a bird with a broken wing, but i have come to realize this, when you said to this eleven-year-old girl, who was staring into a picture, "how long do you think it takes?" i would have said then that the greatest thing that has ever happened to me was yr words giving me the vision to see right through those clouds that had set my mind a sail & i saw deep into the universe, & i saw the endless darkness, & i saw what was the most scarce thing in the world & i saw what was the most intriguing thing in the world...but dear angel it wasn't that gift that you had given to me to be able to see in the third dimension...it was you that i was looking deep into & i know now what goes deeper than everything xoxo. it was never too much to know that i loved you more than the attention i would spend wasting hating myself for having been born with bad feet...& what you said to me means how long does it take to become a real person...what i used to dilute my sadness with; the fantasies, that i wouldn't be able to see the ground and have nothing to set my feet upon, my fantasy made me learn that as long as i keep my feet moving they will never be in one place long enough for me to obsess over my own insecurities, for what i now realize doesn't make a damned god bit of difference in the creation of a human being! for some odd reason the answer to "how long do you think it takes?" has come in increments of elevens; the first time you set my heart a fire, the reason you needed to leave me when i was 22 & i told you "i don't know what i'm supposed to do" & thirty three...a time when i feel i need you to say something to mend my wing. although my fantasy would have sent me far a stray & i would never ever know if when i got to my new home there would be any beings to treat me as a companion. all i will have known for certain is that i have left my great love at home & i haven't even a sister to hold me when i fall. i was sure that this fantasy would cure my loneliness on earth, & for a long time i truly thought that that was the only lit future. so far deep into the darkness, but i saw two directions that day & hadn't learnt enough in life to choose a better direction. i want you to know that i have written this letter while i have been sitting on the beach while i'm wriggling my toes through the sand. i'm not embarrassed but i really do long for this question to be answered....

fatally yours,
jenna.