in_decission

Today I went to the lake with Maria and I think something about that place transformed me. After I was done I felt energized somehow, maybe it was the sunlight, maybe it was swimming across the whole lake, maybe it was finally telling somebody about what's really been bugging me these past few months.

I just got finished singing my son to sleep a few minutes ago, and being the sentimental type, I cried. Today I felt just really happy, content, satisfied with life and who I am, who I could be if I could just remind myself to remember what I want from time to time.

Jumping back...before the singing, and after the swimming: I managed to have a serious talk with my baby's momma for the first time since we broke up which was probably the night Sin City came out. I managed to put aside all my selfish bullshit that's been clouding my head for two whole hours and all that was left was to be happy for her. Happy she knew enough to get out while she could, to allow me to sort out my own life, to allow us both to live again. It was nice to feel, I don't know, human?

Today was the first time I really talked about any of it, the breakup, being a shitty father for too long because I couldn't or didn't want to deal with my feelings. Today was the first day I faced my life in a long time. It's funny how far you can fall just because things don't go the way you planned, but in the end all I want is for people to be happy I suppose. That's all that really matters when you cut through all the unneccessary bullshit. I only hope this lasts, I hope I remember this, and why it's so important to me until I'm gone.






Addition-

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest: wow.