in_decission

I barely escaped the same old nightmares this morning as I woke up, again. Normally I lay still for a while after I wake up to try and shake off the terrible feeling I'm left with, but not this morning. This morning it was spitting up blood and migraine headaches, I'm not sure why, but I have my guesses. Hopefully I was merely bit by some venomous bug while I was doing yardwork earlier this week, hopefully it's just food poisoning....food poisoning can do that, right? My body's becoming a mirror of my self-image more and more every day. I get paler as I leave the house less, fatter as I succumb to munchies and lethargy, let my hair grow longer and longer, to maybe cover up something I don't want to see. Some days everything still seems like it'll be ok. Other days I realize I don't have to pretend. I never cared much to put on shows for the public, for family, for friends. Maybe I just don't have the energy to spare. Maybe I know there's never any escape from the things people hold inside them, there's only awful delays, times of death. It reminds me of those old VCRs where if you left it on pause for 5 minutes or so, it would automatically play itself again to reduce strain on the magnetic tape. Yep, there's my brilliant metaphor for denial: you can only strain the magnetic tape for so long before it just starts up again on its own, while you aren't looking. While you're off getting chips and soda. I really don't want to miss out on bowling tonight because of these obstacles of mind and body, I'm sick of being held back, I'm sick of the same old things, the same old people I've known since I was 5, I'm mostly sick of me and how I've been. I know there's more, I know happiness and love exist, I've seen them and felt them before, haven't I? The past is just a distraction, another excuse to deny the present, just like these words. With each one typed I forget a bit more of my current state, it's all just detaching and observing, it's my second-rate out of body experience. i guess I should just take a nap and try and relax, hopefully at least this headache goes away, as I'd like to ignore life the old fashioned and proper way tonight: with alcohol.