in_decission

So I've been sitting here for an hour or so, probably more, knowing me, trying to decide if now is the time to quit smoking, or to walk 5 or 6 blocks and buy another pack. It's so trivial it makes me want to puke, or maybe that's just the alcohol. I've been to the bars with so many different people now, most of them...
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First there was this feeling
Followed by some chords
That came out from my basement
From a night spent getting bored
And I tried to explain it
Attempted to find the words
But it all came out not worth shit
Sounded so absurd
It just kept piling up
One day to the next
It just kept piling up
Until there was nothing left
You can...
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"...but it's better than drinking alone."

I turned 21 yesterday. Good for me.

After waking up at about 4 in the afternoon, I managed to force myself out to dinner with my parents and my Gramps. I don't usually do things just because other people want me too, but my dad seemed pretty excited about it. Damn, I can't stand that guy. My parents are...
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"Don't let it bring you down, it's only castles burning"

All I remember from last night is piles of cocaine and lingere, and the sunrise over the nasty puddle that is lake michigan, and seagulls...I could keep this chain going for a good while now I think, so we'll leave it there for now. It's been so long since I've had to say fuck everything...
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"I've got thirteen channels of shit on the TV to choose from."

Some days I just can't seem to go outside, or up the stairs even. Every time I try and fight it, as i approach the door the feeling becomes increasingly worse. It's like the longer you hold a weight the heavier it seems, it's just like that, but not so solid. I always...
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"Something had to change, undeniable dilemma..."

I don't think it's very good to impulsively reply to a concerned parent "Be quiet, before I stab you with the fork"
The fork in question would be much better suited to eating my dehydrated noodles. I have a kid now, I can't just go around threatening to stab people, especially my dad, one half of the living unit...
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Well it all worked out, saw NIN, had the fucking time of my recent memory of life...Oh yeah, they fucked up the sound for like half an hour, then they came back and started off again with Gave Up and March of the Pigs.

Note to self: Never get lost in chicago again...well maybe once more.

Was supposed to see NIN tonight

Friend taking someone else

Me much disappointment.

"Dreams are made winding through my head"

I beat up someone I hang out with on weekends, a little bloody. I ran from the police through a distorted version of my hometown, seeing as they finally put a gas station on that vacant corner across from the car shop, down the street from the bike trail. That, and the streets of my moderately populated town...
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"What if all the world you think you know...is an elaborate dream?"


I just dreamed I was driving a car around, got pulled over by a policeman, he let me go, next thing i knew i was skiing on 2 absinthe botles on the road, scraping along at 30 miles an hour, with a string tied to the necks of each bottle like a harness....
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"Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth"

In the middle of the vacancy that is my life the past week or two I received a phone call out of nowhere... It was this girl I met in the children's psych ward five years ago. She's so incredibly vibrant and well-dressed with pink hair...It was almost like whatever the powers or forces that be...
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The world has turned up on its side,
Emptied out all these things denied.
And all that's left is hollow,
Uneasily sure.
Don't know any other way
I could possibly endure.
One little choice,
Never to be made:
Live a lie tomorrow-
Or simply die today.