Strictly speaking I have never been the a psychiatrist or psychologist before and frankly i probably can't afford one or even if i can i certainly don't want to hemorrhage money on pills I've lived without for 30 years. That probably doesn't mean my head shouldn't be examined just so I know what I am dealing with.
These days I am less and less excited about anything. It is mostly just going through the motions in some cases but it doesn't really mean anything.
I never did fit into society. Ugly even before my teens and uglier still even now, most people don't want to associate themselves with me outside of a private setting if that. Most people are under the misconception that Australia is a lucky country but that is only the case for those who are attractive or come from clique societies like south east and central Asia and strictly speaking most people here are attractive and see me as a disgrace to Australia culture of being the beautiful nation.
It's not like I want to be ugly but when off the shelf medication doesn't work and your family is too poor to afford anything more substantial in your youth, there's not much you can do (although if I was smart I could of gotten a job and done it myself although back then I thought the only people with jobs are those who needed money to hang out with friends which I didn't have and therefore felt there was no need for money; something I regret but that was a younger, dumber me I guess).
I was still a pretty happy go lucky person though up until mid teens where it slowly ebbed away into what I am now; Mistrustful pessimist who is always beating himself for even the slightest mistake. Who puts on a smile because people tend to harass you for being sad with idiot questions that have complicated answers that their pathetic minds can't understand because they are under the "lucky country" mentality. Talentless.
Well unless you count proficiency in the paralegal world a talent and in all honesty age will wear that away or maybe i will come across someone better at it but when it comes to photocopying nobody is faster then me. Heck I've even performed a number of tasks faster than a machine (despite what higher ups have to say on the subject I can punch holes for comb binding using a non automated machine faster than an automated machine which is prone to jamming and sometimes inaccuracies). Unfortunately being good at my job means being stuck at the bottom while those not so skilled are promoted (and subsequently require my advice on how to supervise efficiently - not that any of the supervisors who have been promoted to that position since I've worked there would ever admit that I played a big part in them doing so well at said job)
The few hobbies I've had I have grown pretty much tired of. Magic the Gathering has grown boring with the repetitiveness of facing the same decks over and over again because nobody bothers with changing it up when you have a good thing, not to mention some thuggish brutes recently started playing at the store I went to who have it in for me for some perverse reason.
I also use to enjoy hitting the clubs from time to time just to dance the night away but now I am not so sure. Last time I went out which was earlier this week, The music was pretty dull even though they had plenty of better options (they were playing RnB hits from between 2000 - 2005) but instead went with a very heavy JLo set but skipped all of Rihanna's early hits (except umbrella) and a fair few others which may or may not be from around that time. Heck even radio has become stagnant with constant bieber and 1D trash, the new rihanna song which is pretty awful, a remix of an old song which they say is new because they have remixed the chorus and played that as the song.
It gets harder and harder to want to be around anymore despite the fact that I wouldn't commit suicide just to spite humanity because that is how much I hate humanity.
I have considered options although have yet to find one worth pursuing. Further education is probably not for me. IT is boring and Law is worthless in my eyes since they are overpaid do nothings who disrespect anyone who isn't part of the social elite. Science maybe but I doubt I have the intellect for it. Politics again maybe but I am not from the rich boys club. Everything else doesn't even attract my attention. Acting/singing/modelling is out of the question since beauty is a must for those industries. I would like to do comedy except I unfortunately don't sound all that funny which is why I generally don't tell stories because I come off sounding like a boring historian who should be leading tour groups in a museum.
Romance is another thing out of the question. I am kinda like a homeless person falling through the cracks of society in this regard. I'm either too ugly, unfit, too poor, too smart, too dumb (although in some cases it's just the perception because they went to university and they have this idea that a uni degree makes them an intellectual paragon that only others with a degree can understand), not a dog lover (there are only a couple of breeds I actually like as all other breeds are just loud and idiotic), not religious or just poor time. What's even worse is I cannot even give another couple the luxury of having a child because IVF clinics don't like donors to be colourblind (even though colourblindness is pretty irrelevant in this day and age) although that is something i need thoroughly checked since I have read up on the subject and what I have isn't likely colourblindness since it involves seeing two colours as the same colour and I can see every colour as their own colour and it is only the fact I cannot tell some of these colours apart which makes it seem as though I am. Incidentally chances are I carry the gene since my grand father does have it.
I will finish up with just this little tid bit. The name Matthew (btw that's my first name) is hebrew for "gift of God". I must be a prank gift or something if that is the case or perhaps my suffrage is a gift unto himself
