I been pondering it a lot lately. Where do I fit in? As an ugly white male I am already hated on by everyone simply because of accident of birth leaving me with few friends and even those aren't entirely dependable and have very different ideas on the subject of fun.
Sometimes I feel like the whole world is in on making my life miserable. Can't catch a break in a video game or betting on something that is almost a sure thing or when things expire before the used by date or any number of things which admittedly seem like first world problems and therefore irrelevant even when compared to people who literally make up problems because their life is so perfect or close enough to it.
I've grown bored with a number of my hobbies simply because they don't really bring me any joy; not that I really feel joy from anything and now a days i am being pressured to feel joy even hassled. Take my 30th which is in about 2 months. my family seem to now think that the birthday is also about them and therefore i should have some grandiose plan for the day even though I have repeatedly said I didn't want to do anything which just goes to show just how little I am valued in my family and any affection my family displays is purely cosmetic for the public to see. Perhaps I should just hang myself for my birthday and put them in their place.
My job is just one big dead end. A worthless sub par wage for the amount of work I do and skills I have to keep fresh in my mind just on the off chance they are needed again (which is semi regularly depending on which people take off sick) not to mention the fact I am extremely good at my job. and because I'm not a fellow snot nosed privileged brat or Indian, I am unlikely to ever be promoted; mind you it's also because I am too good at my job and nobody else has my skill set outside of the people in any given section but hey lets all just focus on IT and ignore the sections that will one day be in need.
I've considered a number of times returning to study but the problem is I either despise the field (IT and Law), am too unintelligent to actually do the course (Science) or just am not interested in it (everything else) and because I am not female I can't just take the easy road and become a P.A. or similar. Nothing is appealing because there will always be some criteria I do not meet because of lack of intellect or lack of looks and of the two the former cannot really be improved at all and the latter is costly to deal with assuming they don't just fuck it up deliberately.
I'm just a ghost sometimes. understandably since nobody wants to look at an ugly person so better to ignore them and pretend they don't exist. even on threads here sometimes I'll be passed over because everyone just wants to chat with the pretty people and i am dubious as to whether this will even be read.
I've never really belonged anywhere. I might go play magic the gathering and talk to some people but they all have their cliques just like the people at work or those who I talk to online. it's like i'm a quota to be met "you have to know one ugly person in which to compare others to like"at least you aren't as ugly as so and so" and then everyone has a giggle at your expense".
I'm not even sure why I keep going. Once upon a time it was because I was angry with the world, that they should suffer my presence and I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of my death. I guess i'm burnt out after 11 years.
Is there a big plan for me? doubtful unless my suffering amuses some higher being out there. people make out god is kind and merciful but really at best he is but more likely its closer to the opposite of that; not that i believe that nonsense. I tried religion once too and I didn't even fit into that. I was just another sheep to add to the flock and nothing important to the people who invited me to join.
The truth is for someone like me that I have absolutely nothing worth living for and its only a matter of time before something happens. Whether that is good or bad is anyones guess