imandra

Okay, it's like 3:00 in the morning where I am, and I can't sleep. I hate to start off a new journal that a whole bunch of people I don't know can read with an entry like this, but I'm going to anyway. I could put it in my other journal, but Avigen reads that one, and none of my friends read this on so it lets me get it off my chest.

Avigen and I broke up about two months ago. He decided that after two years of offical dating (with four years of friends with benifits preceeding that), that I was something of a lost cause. That he couldn't deal with my depressional spirals, and that he was tired of me procrastinating when it came to things I wanted to change about myself. That hurt more than anything has ever hurt in my life. Avigen was my one. We had talked about handfasting. I love him in a way that I don't think I'll ever get again. He said that he still loves me, and that it may not be a permanent thing (but me, being stupid, told him that it would be if he went through with it).

I can't sleep tonight because I keep on thinking of all the things I wanted to do with him, but didn't. I wanted to take pictures of him, like really nice, personal pictures, so that other people could see him the way I do. I wanted to be able to wake up beside him and just watch him sleep. I wanted to tell him my dark hidden fantasies. I wanted to be with him.

I don't know if I can ever have that back, and moreover, I don't know how to act around him. We're still friends, we will always be friends, I know that, I just don't want us to drift, and we kind of are right now. It's just hard being so conflicted.

I hate how pathetic all this makes me sound. I'm really not usually like this, I swear. It's just been a very lousy couple of months...

Imandra