ilyaxous

Some long time ago, it was on a first date I believe, an interlocutor asked why my last relationships had broken up. The most appropriate answer came to mind rather quickly: selfishness. Sometimes it was me who bore the blame, and sometimes it was my partner, but it I can think of no greater impetus to the ending of any relationship. As I get older Im learning to curb my own deleterious traits of egocentrism (though I certainly have a long way to go). Perhaps it can even be called maturity and I wish I carried it a long time ago.

These last few weeks many of my personal relationships have been drawn into sharp relief. Thats what a stressor does. What has caused me such great consternation is how many of my current friendships were based solely on my own disproportionate giving. As the time approaches when I will be less able to timely render physical or material support to friends, my phone calls seem less likely to be returned and commitments to spend time together are more likely to be disregarded. If I have less to offer, its striking how many people have commitments with their boyfriends on any given weekend.

Here on the precipice of a big change in my life, Im personally feeling nervous and a bit scared. This is apparently the cue to shake off those who cant be bothered to reciprocate in the most minor of ways; like coming over for dinner, or answering text messages.

Luckily, I do have an awesome group of friends out in the world. On balance, I still greatly believe in Altruism and I know that it alone comports with my own definition of moral living. Lately, I just feel exceptionally alone in that conviction.