SWING SWING FROM THE TANGLES OF MY HEART
Last night I went to base and did karaoke. Before I get into that I would like to defend myself. A week ago today I got back to England after spending 3 lovely months in Iraq. Obviously that wasn't an uber pleasant experience. What made it worse was that my wife left me while I was over there and flew back to the states ( Baltimore) a week before X-mas. Anyway, for the last week I've been staring at my walls and walking my dog along with insanely long bouts of staring at my computer screen looking at pictures of girls on here who would never give me the time of day. Needless to say if I spent another lonely night indoors i probably would have tried to slit my wrists with a safety pin. I ran into a friend of mine who was going to do karaoke on base so I figured why the hell not. I promised myself that if it was lame I would have 1 pint and silently slip away. 1 pint became 2 which became 3 and so forth. Within 30 minutes I was well on my way to being wasted.
As you can imagine, being on a military base, the selection and quality of songs being "performed" was pretty terrible. Apparently every meathead in the military loves Garth Brooks and Green Day with a little slice of Jimmy Buffet thrown in for extra nausea. I will say that the new Green Day album is really good but I really dont want to like it.
Everyone singing looked like an extra from Shaun Of The Dead. Lifeless man, lifeless. I decided to spice it up. The coolest song that I could find was "Swing, Swing" by All American Rejects so I did it. Maybe it was my 3 months of forced celibacy or too many Guiness but I went nuts, like a monkey in heat. I did my patented karate kick dance moves, jumped up on a table and even.... to my shock and horror..... freaked the mulleted lady in charge of karaoke. I then proceeded to shove my friend Sean's head in my crotch. The right wing majority were none too pleased to say the least. Some girl screamed "YOU SUCK". Some guy screamed "FAG!!" My "performance" went over like a ton of bricks. During an instrumental break I sat next to the guy calling me a fag and sang "nobody likes a homophobe". My all rights I should still be bleeding, facedown in a ditch. I guess he was feeling generous and opted to just ignore me.
Oddly enough, even with my style, talent, and $100 fred perry sweater on I went home alone and feel asleep with my dog. Maybe the ladies were just too intimidated by my ummm style. That's what i'll tell myself.
Last night I went to base and did karaoke. Before I get into that I would like to defend myself. A week ago today I got back to England after spending 3 lovely months in Iraq. Obviously that wasn't an uber pleasant experience. What made it worse was that my wife left me while I was over there and flew back to the states ( Baltimore) a week before X-mas. Anyway, for the last week I've been staring at my walls and walking my dog along with insanely long bouts of staring at my computer screen looking at pictures of girls on here who would never give me the time of day. Needless to say if I spent another lonely night indoors i probably would have tried to slit my wrists with a safety pin. I ran into a friend of mine who was going to do karaoke on base so I figured why the hell not. I promised myself that if it was lame I would have 1 pint and silently slip away. 1 pint became 2 which became 3 and so forth. Within 30 minutes I was well on my way to being wasted.
As you can imagine, being on a military base, the selection and quality of songs being "performed" was pretty terrible. Apparently every meathead in the military loves Garth Brooks and Green Day with a little slice of Jimmy Buffet thrown in for extra nausea. I will say that the new Green Day album is really good but I really dont want to like it.
Everyone singing looked like an extra from Shaun Of The Dead. Lifeless man, lifeless. I decided to spice it up. The coolest song that I could find was "Swing, Swing" by All American Rejects so I did it. Maybe it was my 3 months of forced celibacy or too many Guiness but I went nuts, like a monkey in heat. I did my patented karate kick dance moves, jumped up on a table and even.... to my shock and horror..... freaked the mulleted lady in charge of karaoke. I then proceeded to shove my friend Sean's head in my crotch. The right wing majority were none too pleased to say the least. Some girl screamed "YOU SUCK". Some guy screamed "FAG!!" My "performance" went over like a ton of bricks. During an instrumental break I sat next to the guy calling me a fag and sang "nobody likes a homophobe". My all rights I should still be bleeding, facedown in a ditch. I guess he was feeling generous and opted to just ignore me.
Oddly enough, even with my style, talent, and $100 fred perry sweater on I went home alone and feel asleep with my dog. Maybe the ladies were just too intimidated by my ummm style. That's what i'll tell myself.
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but anyway, thanks for the email