ilovemikehunt

i thought the tai chi was supposed to heal me...
well, i've been doing it everyday, and i feel worse than i've felt in awhile; i'm on my way to being violently depressed, and my bodily sensations match those of my sore soul.
everything's falling apart.
i have ideas that i can't validate enough to put them into motion.
i feel distant from myself.. my life lacks intimacy - when i had it, i didn't want it, and now that's its gone, i feel empty.
i keep trying to help myself, but i feel like i'm doing everything wrong... i quit doing drugs (except for the coffee and tea i've been drinking, which don't give me the energy i feel that i need - today's been my first day acknowledging this realization and thus i've been abstaining from caffeine) which i thought would help me get my energy back.
my first day of tai chi (where i was permitted into the advanced circle because the regular teacher was absent, and so was the rest of the class) was nothing short of blissful, but since then, i've been doing the beginner classes which've been kicking my ass physically.
i know that i have to keep working toward building my strength, but it's so hard right now - i feel like i have nobody and nothing to help me out.
what am i supposed to do? i don't even have my art because i feel like a fucking invalid who's not worthy of creative power anyway.
fuck. fuck. FUCK.

i'm sorry i even exposed this to you - who the fuck wants to hear this depressing shit anyway?
i sure the fuck don't.