oh wow.
i've spent waaaaay too much time on here today.
thanks, fuckers.
it's all good tho.. i got quite a bit of reading done.
i also got high (damn whitney for buying herbals JUST as i had decided i didn't want them around anymore... ugh. my will was not strong enough yet) and played keybored (i was trying to feel each of the notes. uh huh.)
i went out for indian food then took a spontaneous train ride (as of monday, i no longer have a car) uptown.
i spoke to a lady on the train on the way home about the book i was reading... "shakti mantras". it's a book that revolves around the premise that power is a feminine quality. and it's full of mantras that are going to help me "tap into the great goddess energy within"
she told me about these yoga classes she was taking and this workshop she went to at the store i bought my book from (it's on ashland south of belmont... good store. very yellow.) the guy that ran the workshop was having the participants practice the stuff i'm studying (another book... one of the many... "the harmonics of sound, color, and vibration".) cool shit.
she also told me about how she was always into art, but she supressed her artistic inclination. now she's clinging to her art for dear life. or something like that. her retrospective on a piece she did inspired me to do a pastel self-portrait in the near future.
i guess i needed her there to remind me to stay on the path.
i hope she remembered the name of my book, or was somehow motivated to do something good for herself spiritually. sounds like her soul could use a bit of nurturing...
shit.. so could yours.
there's no doubt that mine could.
this has been the most bizarre cycle of depression i've ever experienced. for the first time, my depression isn't really miserable; it's very trenquil and satisfying, regardless of the fact that i couldn't stop crying for like 3 days straight (starting on monday... it's been tapering down ever since. i didn't cry today. oh wait, yeh, i did... it was kinda silly tho. i was crying about imagery in a book; it was beautifully werded.)
i know that this is what needs to happen for me to grow. i always get violently depressed as i shift gears. things are about to change... like really change. i can feel it.
the fact that i'm happy at the same time says a lot about this change... i've never felt this way before.
my werld came crumbling down the other day... rather than being miserable about the level of discomfort induced by the way my mind is progressing, i'm very happy... it was built on fallocy anyway. at this point, i've opened up soooo much that i can feel the pain of the werld; i've internalized it and accepted it as my own. i hate the werld from a whole new angle (and this time, i'm not excluding my family, whom i still love... but would love to see change, as well.) i'm so sick of people using their power to hurt others rather than help. i'm sick of people acting purely in their own self-interest (knowing damn well that it's at others' expenses, but not giving a fuck, because those others are for some reason viewed as 'inferiors') but right now it's fueling my drive to make a change.. everything has it's place.
the end will justify the means, mos def.
ok, time to go meditate.
ciao.
i've spent waaaaay too much time on here today.
thanks, fuckers.
it's all good tho.. i got quite a bit of reading done.
i also got high (damn whitney for buying herbals JUST as i had decided i didn't want them around anymore... ugh. my will was not strong enough yet) and played keybored (i was trying to feel each of the notes. uh huh.)
i went out for indian food then took a spontaneous train ride (as of monday, i no longer have a car) uptown.
i spoke to a lady on the train on the way home about the book i was reading... "shakti mantras". it's a book that revolves around the premise that power is a feminine quality. and it's full of mantras that are going to help me "tap into the great goddess energy within"
she told me about these yoga classes she was taking and this workshop she went to at the store i bought my book from (it's on ashland south of belmont... good store. very yellow.) the guy that ran the workshop was having the participants practice the stuff i'm studying (another book... one of the many... "the harmonics of sound, color, and vibration".) cool shit.
she also told me about how she was always into art, but she supressed her artistic inclination. now she's clinging to her art for dear life. or something like that. her retrospective on a piece she did inspired me to do a pastel self-portrait in the near future.
i guess i needed her there to remind me to stay on the path.
i hope she remembered the name of my book, or was somehow motivated to do something good for herself spiritually. sounds like her soul could use a bit of nurturing...
shit.. so could yours.
there's no doubt that mine could.
this has been the most bizarre cycle of depression i've ever experienced. for the first time, my depression isn't really miserable; it's very trenquil and satisfying, regardless of the fact that i couldn't stop crying for like 3 days straight (starting on monday... it's been tapering down ever since. i didn't cry today. oh wait, yeh, i did... it was kinda silly tho. i was crying about imagery in a book; it was beautifully werded.)
i know that this is what needs to happen for me to grow. i always get violently depressed as i shift gears. things are about to change... like really change. i can feel it.
the fact that i'm happy at the same time says a lot about this change... i've never felt this way before.
my werld came crumbling down the other day... rather than being miserable about the level of discomfort induced by the way my mind is progressing, i'm very happy... it was built on fallocy anyway. at this point, i've opened up soooo much that i can feel the pain of the werld; i've internalized it and accepted it as my own. i hate the werld from a whole new angle (and this time, i'm not excluding my family, whom i still love... but would love to see change, as well.) i'm so sick of people using their power to hurt others rather than help. i'm sick of people acting purely in their own self-interest (knowing damn well that it's at others' expenses, but not giving a fuck, because those others are for some reason viewed as 'inferiors') but right now it's fueling my drive to make a change.. everything has it's place.
the end will justify the means, mos def.
ok, time to go meditate.
ciao.
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Hi, hope you feel better.
Meditation is good for that