wow...what a night. i've got to unload a bit before i can fall asleep.
the darkest period of my life yielded the most significant revolution...after putting up with 5 months of abuse (and homelessness toward the end), i was feeling rather hopeless. now, i've been 'suicidal' before..."i hate my life, i want to die" yada yada yada. but there was only one single week period of my life that I would've actually considered suicidal...at the end of these 5 months. i was confused. hopeless. i'd fucked things up so badly that i didn't know what the hell to do. ready to put an end to it all, i was staring over the ledge preparing to jump. it was in the depths of my hopelessness that i regained my power..in fact, it was much stronger than ever. it was at that point that i realized it's MY life, and no fucking bastard is going to take it from me.
the next day, i left it all behind me in myrtle beach and headed home.
i really don't tend to think about the hell i went through out there all that often, but somehow, it managed to come up today. i don't really remember how the conversation started, but i remember discussing my codependency in that situation with my best friend/roommate as she related through hers. since we were on the same page at this point, she wanted to write a song with me about being the mother fucker standing at the door begging him not to leave, but i couldn't..my emotional fixation had turned over to suicide. and i let it all pour out...literally, my face was projecting fluids involuntarily. i guess i needed the release.
we had a good bonding night, after a bit of back and forth bitching and revelations of insecurities. i spun her some records, she sang me a song that lured more tears from my eyes.
i'm super-emo right now...and especially hormonal. it's 4:11, i've been trying to sleep all day...maybe it's time.
gten nacht.
the darkest period of my life yielded the most significant revolution...after putting up with 5 months of abuse (and homelessness toward the end), i was feeling rather hopeless. now, i've been 'suicidal' before..."i hate my life, i want to die" yada yada yada. but there was only one single week period of my life that I would've actually considered suicidal...at the end of these 5 months. i was confused. hopeless. i'd fucked things up so badly that i didn't know what the hell to do. ready to put an end to it all, i was staring over the ledge preparing to jump. it was in the depths of my hopelessness that i regained my power..in fact, it was much stronger than ever. it was at that point that i realized it's MY life, and no fucking bastard is going to take it from me.
the next day, i left it all behind me in myrtle beach and headed home.
i really don't tend to think about the hell i went through out there all that often, but somehow, it managed to come up today. i don't really remember how the conversation started, but i remember discussing my codependency in that situation with my best friend/roommate as she related through hers. since we were on the same page at this point, she wanted to write a song with me about being the mother fucker standing at the door begging him not to leave, but i couldn't..my emotional fixation had turned over to suicide. and i let it all pour out...literally, my face was projecting fluids involuntarily. i guess i needed the release.
we had a good bonding night, after a bit of back and forth bitching and revelations of insecurities. i spun her some records, she sang me a song that lured more tears from my eyes.
i'm super-emo right now...and especially hormonal. it's 4:11, i've been trying to sleep all day...maybe it's time.
gten nacht.
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
Thank you for your responses in my journal. What strange things life brings. I am just glad that you are ok, that you are home. There were lots of people worried about you for a long time. Sugmags(cause i knows you loves it) is loved.
Love
Lindsey
Bitch!!!!