if you are sick of reading about the many manifestations of my self-loating, let me excuse you from reading this jernal entry with this forewarning; proceed with caution.
so, i had this wild dream last night...by far the wildest i've ever had. i'm going to fast forward through the details of my self-concocted context to the climax of the plot. this super-hot chick (gorgeous and sexy faux-blonde..the type of girl i'd normally rather hate on than get down with.) pulls me into the bathroom of my parents house. within a micro-second, she's naked, and the next thing i notice is that she's pulled my clothes off too (just as quickly.) so i 'm sitting down, kinda curled up, and her face is all up in my snatch. she had a tongue ring, she knew how to use it. i was just sitting there watching her and getting so hot from it; i was scared to interact with her. she was really gorgeous...her face, her body, the whole 9. she had these big beautiful boobs that i was reluctant to touch, although i'd longed to...i felt so distant [i guess the details would help a bit here...she just randomly showed up at my place with some of her friends. i think they were friends of the two boys i had over (one of which ended up walking in on us.) anyway, this sexual encounter happened completely at random, we hadn't been talking or anything.]..i felt as if she knew how much doper she looked than i did, and most importantly, i was convinced that she knew that i knew and that if i were to make such a move, it would be ultimately desperate. it was like she knew that although it appeared as if i wanted her, the truth of the matter was that i wanted to be her. of course, all of the emotional rationalization came way after the termination of the incidence...during the dream, i was diggin it. sure, i had these vague feelings of reluctance and lustful envy, but it must've taken her under 3 seconds to get me off (which, in actuality, has never even happened before in the presence of another.) i loved watching her..i loved that she wanted to do this to me....i loved my dream.
i've come to the conclusion that my lesbian potential is another manifestation of my narcissistic self-hatred. i'm super picky about girls; only the hottest ones could satiate my desires...to be said with that same breath, only the hottest girls have what it takes to make me want to crawl in a hole and die when i'm down. if, somehow, you'd not noticed, recently, my self-hatred has been surfacing itself like crazy and i've been staring constantly at its dirty little scowling face. at least i'm aware of it. that's one thing i can be proud of myself for; most narcissists tend to supress the thoughts and emotions at root of their outbound hatred. lately, it's been bugging me so much when people talk shit about other people (not so much when they're confronting another person, just when the subject is not present...then again, it's really annoying when narcissists tend to be confrontational in a silly projectile manner. i.e: my dad's hostile behavior.)
as a result of all these thoughts, i've decided that maybe it's best if i do get down with a girl. i've always been put off by the snatch, but i mean, is it really going hurt me? i doubt it. since it's always been something on my mind (hence my presence on this website,) i think i need to get it over with. i do all this thinking, but what do i do about it? nothing...i'm self-actualized and guilty as charged with no set plans for recourse. this might be a good way to really take on my dark side. it would only be fair of me to allow the fucker to have its 'perfect kiss' before it dies, right? i'm getting sick of living my life in my head...plotting strategies, deciding why i shouldn't do things. this shit is always going to be in the corner of my mind until i get it out of my system (yes, i'm being pressumptuous by asserting that this is a passing phase; clearly, this is because i strongly believe that it is. regardless of my bad experiences, there's something that i love about sex with those assholes we call men that simply can't be replaced by another woman...i think we all know what this is.
)
with all that said, are there any hot girls around town that want to get down? hehe.
so, i had this wild dream last night...by far the wildest i've ever had. i'm going to fast forward through the details of my self-concocted context to the climax of the plot. this super-hot chick (gorgeous and sexy faux-blonde..the type of girl i'd normally rather hate on than get down with.) pulls me into the bathroom of my parents house. within a micro-second, she's naked, and the next thing i notice is that she's pulled my clothes off too (just as quickly.) so i 'm sitting down, kinda curled up, and her face is all up in my snatch. she had a tongue ring, she knew how to use it. i was just sitting there watching her and getting so hot from it; i was scared to interact with her. she was really gorgeous...her face, her body, the whole 9. she had these big beautiful boobs that i was reluctant to touch, although i'd longed to...i felt so distant [i guess the details would help a bit here...she just randomly showed up at my place with some of her friends. i think they were friends of the two boys i had over (one of which ended up walking in on us.) anyway, this sexual encounter happened completely at random, we hadn't been talking or anything.]..i felt as if she knew how much doper she looked than i did, and most importantly, i was convinced that she knew that i knew and that if i were to make such a move, it would be ultimately desperate. it was like she knew that although it appeared as if i wanted her, the truth of the matter was that i wanted to be her. of course, all of the emotional rationalization came way after the termination of the incidence...during the dream, i was diggin it. sure, i had these vague feelings of reluctance and lustful envy, but it must've taken her under 3 seconds to get me off (which, in actuality, has never even happened before in the presence of another.) i loved watching her..i loved that she wanted to do this to me....i loved my dream.
i've come to the conclusion that my lesbian potential is another manifestation of my narcissistic self-hatred. i'm super picky about girls; only the hottest ones could satiate my desires...to be said with that same breath, only the hottest girls have what it takes to make me want to crawl in a hole and die when i'm down. if, somehow, you'd not noticed, recently, my self-hatred has been surfacing itself like crazy and i've been staring constantly at its dirty little scowling face. at least i'm aware of it. that's one thing i can be proud of myself for; most narcissists tend to supress the thoughts and emotions at root of their outbound hatred. lately, it's been bugging me so much when people talk shit about other people (not so much when they're confronting another person, just when the subject is not present...then again, it's really annoying when narcissists tend to be confrontational in a silly projectile manner. i.e: my dad's hostile behavior.)
as a result of all these thoughts, i've decided that maybe it's best if i do get down with a girl. i've always been put off by the snatch, but i mean, is it really going hurt me? i doubt it. since it's always been something on my mind (hence my presence on this website,) i think i need to get it over with. i do all this thinking, but what do i do about it? nothing...i'm self-actualized and guilty as charged with no set plans for recourse. this might be a good way to really take on my dark side. it would only be fair of me to allow the fucker to have its 'perfect kiss' before it dies, right? i'm getting sick of living my life in my head...plotting strategies, deciding why i shouldn't do things. this shit is always going to be in the corner of my mind until i get it out of my system (yes, i'm being pressumptuous by asserting that this is a passing phase; clearly, this is because i strongly believe that it is. regardless of my bad experiences, there's something that i love about sex with those assholes we call men that simply can't be replaced by another woman...i think we all know what this is.
)
with all that said, are there any hot girls around town that want to get down? hehe.
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I just havent got around to doing a set. The odds that itll be accepted are quite slim now. Theyve been turning down some really nice sets.
Thank you.
xo.