ilovemikehunt

i am soooo tired...i went to six flags today and had fun on the roller coasters. wee. i got sunburnt, but only on my chest, neck, and nose. weird. i look like a freak. when don't i tho?
i'm having issues, also not a far stretch from the norm.. i've been obsessing over someone that i have nothing to do with (aside from the chick you're about to read about.) in general, i think i'm just scared that i won't get what i want...more importantly, i'm not sure what it is that i want. i'm lost, yet again. dissonance reigns in my cereberal realm; everything that was once so right now feels off. i have too much power and i don't know what to do with it...i feel as if i'm losing touch with myself.
something that i saw today that really saddened me: there was this chick in the middle of the street holding up a sign that read something along the lines of 'homeless and hungry, please help.' i often struggle in such situations...it's like a moral dilemma. sometimes i'll give them a dollar or something, and if i ever have any food or anything on me, i'll always give it up...i was sitting at the light worrying about my own shit when i saw her standing there. i was instantly reminded of when i was in that position; i could totally relate to her, except for one thing; i never asked for help (well, from my family a couple times, only because i was coerced to do so.) i never felt that it was anybody else's responsibility to care for me, so i never accepted anybody's assistance....i remember this strange old man who offered to take me in and feed me and stuff...he offered me just about everything he could. i couldn't accept for a variety of reasons: 1) the situation i was in would not permit it without significant alterations which i was not yet ready to make, 2) he really didn't owe me anything and i knew that i would be ok without his assistance, although i'll never forget his offer...it was one of the warmest encounters i have experienced. 3) i was ashamed.
what hit me hard with this woman was the hopelessly exasperated sigh she let out as she (threw a cigarette down, i think...she threw something down and) walked off the street (prolly realizing that she's on her own and nobody's got her back. however, i'm not at all sure what her spin on this is...i don't know this chick, or where she's coming from at all.) at this point, i could empathize with her on a different level; i know that feeling all too well in multiple contexts...consequently, i felt somewhat compelled to go try to talk to her, but she was off into an alley by the time the light changed, and dissonance drove me home. i should've gotten her something to eat, at least..i feel like an asshole. this is where the moral dilemma comes into play, however more actively in this scenario than most.
i think this is like delayed pms...i always get bitchy and depressed around that time, and it hasn't hit me until about 20 minutes ago (the depression that is, i've been a bitch all week.) so werd.
listening to: dose & prefuse 73 - communication project - do tell. you need to hear this if you haven't.

ok, i'm off to go stalk this chick now.
with no luck.