Thanks to those who wished me happy birthday.
Birthdays are a big deal to me, that doesn't mean I like to make my birthday a big deal for others - I don't try to plan huge parties or nothin'..... but my birthday is a big deal to me. 10 years ago yesterday I didn't even think I'd ever see this day.
You see... I have a bit of a Peter Pan complex... Even as a kid I never wanted to grow up. Hell... still don't. And from the age of roughly 11 I made a vow to myself that I never would. I decided that I would kill myself on my 18th birthday, so that I'd never actually have to become an adult.. or grow old....
At about 12:30 am on my 18th birthday I went down stairs in my parents' house to the kitchen and held a kitchen knife to my wrists. I'd been planning this for years. I'd even been preparing myself all week. But as I sat there, the tip of the blade putting a dent in my skin.... many things flooded my mind. People were a big part of it. People who I'd let down, or never see again. Things that I wanted to do, but hadn't yet been able to accomplish. I stood there in my kitchen going back and forth in my head. I wanted to do it... but my mind was flooding me with reasons to not.
I eventually put it down and went back to bed. As I laid there I made a new vow to myself. That I may not be able to stop getting older... but that I'd still never grow up. I'd never let work be all that mattered in life, bogged down by a 9-5. That I would always follow my dreams and do what made me happy, never giving up because it was irresponsible or because I was too old.
I just didn't want to fall in to the same bullshit zombie lifestyle I saw so many adults in. My parents included. That's not for me. So while I cherish EVERY day I've had since that day... my birthday is a big deal to me. It's the anniversary of the the day I decided to live AGAIN. It is essentially my re-birth and birthday all in one. It's the day that I celebrate the choice I made and the successes I've made in living up to that promise I made to myself (and the failures... and how I can do better).
I hope you don't read this as a downer blog. It's not meant to be. I'm very happy. And I wanted to share with you why it is that I love my birthday. And why it is I love life.
So again, thank you for the birthday wishes... and thank each of you who make the world worth deciding to live in.
Birthdays are a big deal to me, that doesn't mean I like to make my birthday a big deal for others - I don't try to plan huge parties or nothin'..... but my birthday is a big deal to me. 10 years ago yesterday I didn't even think I'd ever see this day.
You see... I have a bit of a Peter Pan complex... Even as a kid I never wanted to grow up. Hell... still don't. And from the age of roughly 11 I made a vow to myself that I never would. I decided that I would kill myself on my 18th birthday, so that I'd never actually have to become an adult.. or grow old....
At about 12:30 am on my 18th birthday I went down stairs in my parents' house to the kitchen and held a kitchen knife to my wrists. I'd been planning this for years. I'd even been preparing myself all week. But as I sat there, the tip of the blade putting a dent in my skin.... many things flooded my mind. People were a big part of it. People who I'd let down, or never see again. Things that I wanted to do, but hadn't yet been able to accomplish. I stood there in my kitchen going back and forth in my head. I wanted to do it... but my mind was flooding me with reasons to not.
I eventually put it down and went back to bed. As I laid there I made a new vow to myself. That I may not be able to stop getting older... but that I'd still never grow up. I'd never let work be all that mattered in life, bogged down by a 9-5. That I would always follow my dreams and do what made me happy, never giving up because it was irresponsible or because I was too old.
I just didn't want to fall in to the same bullshit zombie lifestyle I saw so many adults in. My parents included. That's not for me. So while I cherish EVERY day I've had since that day... my birthday is a big deal to me. It's the anniversary of the the day I decided to live AGAIN. It is essentially my re-birth and birthday all in one. It's the day that I celebrate the choice I made and the successes I've made in living up to that promise I made to myself (and the failures... and how I can do better).
I hope you don't read this as a downer blog. It's not meant to be. I'm very happy. And I wanted to share with you why it is that I love my birthday. And why it is I love life.
So again, thank you for the birthday wishes... and thank each of you who make the world worth deciding to live in.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
acacia:
Happy belated birthday, duuuude. 
leib_:
me too!