"It was there that I saw you..."
In my life, there was only one girl that ever left me and still made me feel like we were friends. She tricked me really, I mean, how did she do it? I haven't been left very many times in the grand scheme of things, but it was always by a woman I thought I was in love with. I always ruin any chance of staying friends with my trademark bile filled tirades, GRR!
So tonight, after my shitty basketball game, I come home and chat with my girlfriend online. I am frustrated, you see, my girlfriend loves me, wants to start a family with me and my son. She tolerates all of my self centered bull shit, she is wonderful and devoted, all of those things I moan that I can never have again... But I don't love her, and I don't want another child, I don't want to share my life with anyone anymore. I just don't. I just want to be alone.
My best friend once said he felt dead inside, that he didn't love, didn't feel. I don't know if I am there but I am somewhere near. I chase things that don't fucking matter, girls with short black hair, with a huge library of Smiths albums or whatever. But why do I chase at all, who cares? What turns this shit on and off? Can I reprogram it to just love the one who loves me? As Peter said to his occupational hypnotherapist in Office Space, "Can you just zonk me out or something?"...
Well frustrated I dig in during a light hearted chat about our respective evenings. I start in about how if I had to dissapoint her now as opposed to later, now would be the time. I did it as honestly as I could, knowing I had lost a friend, knowing that I get what I ask for, to walk alone, and to have no right to ever complain about what I don't have, ever again...
Here is to self centered assholes that only want what they can't have! (Imagine yourself in a Kid Rock beer commercial with all the jocks and stripper chicks laughing at you as they kick your ass...)
-C-had
In my life, there was only one girl that ever left me and still made me feel like we were friends. She tricked me really, I mean, how did she do it? I haven't been left very many times in the grand scheme of things, but it was always by a woman I thought I was in love with. I always ruin any chance of staying friends with my trademark bile filled tirades, GRR!
So tonight, after my shitty basketball game, I come home and chat with my girlfriend online. I am frustrated, you see, my girlfriend loves me, wants to start a family with me and my son. She tolerates all of my self centered bull shit, she is wonderful and devoted, all of those things I moan that I can never have again... But I don't love her, and I don't want another child, I don't want to share my life with anyone anymore. I just don't. I just want to be alone.
My best friend once said he felt dead inside, that he didn't love, didn't feel. I don't know if I am there but I am somewhere near. I chase things that don't fucking matter, girls with short black hair, with a huge library of Smiths albums or whatever. But why do I chase at all, who cares? What turns this shit on and off? Can I reprogram it to just love the one who loves me? As Peter said to his occupational hypnotherapist in Office Space, "Can you just zonk me out or something?"...
Well frustrated I dig in during a light hearted chat about our respective evenings. I start in about how if I had to dissapoint her now as opposed to later, now would be the time. I did it as honestly as I could, knowing I had lost a friend, knowing that I get what I ask for, to walk alone, and to have no right to ever complain about what I don't have, ever again...
Here is to self centered assholes that only want what they can't have! (Imagine yourself in a Kid Rock beer commercial with all the jocks and stripper chicks laughing at you as they kick your ass...)
-C-had
Every relationship I've been in (and there haven't been many) have been long term. I'm talking over two years each time only because I was too afraid of hurting their feelings and probably for the most part of being alone, which is pretty selfish of me. Somehow I managed to sabotage relationships in a twisted way that makes it their fault that it ended. I tell them I want a break, an opportunity to see other people... Something, anything to make a rift in the relationship but never enough is said to end it. I guess I've led guys on. I'm sick, I know but for some reason I can't bring myself to say, "this isn't working out for me." I felt obligated to stay because they wanted to stay. And it's a vicious cycle I go through. If only I had been honest, I would have saved a lot of drama and time.
Honesty sucks when it hurts people, but if it's spoken without malice there's never a reason to regret it.
always wanting what you can't have and not wanting what you already have? what kind of person would i be if it were any other way...