illuminatus

So yeah, this song as been playing in my head for awhile now. My female, well, she's been sensitive and emotional this weekend, which happens, and displays a strong insecurity about me and her. It annoys the fucking hell out of me, although it does slightly make a little sense, as not too long ago she was my EX-girl. But when I say that I'm hanging out with my friend for a night and she replies with a "Are you going to break up with me", it gets pretty aggravating. I know it's just how she gets this time of the month, so I try to let them fly over.

But it does get me thinking, those time I enjoyed being single, how I want to go out and talk to people, how I enjoyed the flirting from time to time. I start to desire that all again. I want to be single again.

This song, well, it sings to me. From her, though. How she is the only one to directly see my dark side, and she continued to push for me. She saw the pictures, heard the thoughts, and only grabbed on tighter. What I figured to push others away only drew her in more.

There for me when nobody else was.

I have this habit of turning dark, or never opening at all. Well, this habit has been my recent fight. It's a high note, as I have described earlier, that my previous fight seems to be over, my ugly past behind me, left only a few scars and lots of bone problems. Anyways, I've been in a back and forth with it for awhile. Pressing my focus on others around me to ignore it, or shutting in and keeping to myself to feed it. I'd do either for weeks or months on end. I did it with her.

I never fully opened up. I just about hit the crack of doing so, and slammed into a brick wall of fear. People who see my face cannot see my shadow. If those who I interact with regularly see the evil that I bare, they would only turn away. And I would be in a world, left alone and cold, with only my thoughts to keep me company. Which is also bad.

It was a mental conundrum, pretend to be a normal person and have people love me for who I'm not, or show people who I really am, and be left alone. Forever. When a man has only his thoughts to keep him company, time can drag on endlessly.

I had to break free, and there was but one person who seemed to desperately attempt to know what it truly meant to be me. So I went out on a limb, I took a leap of faith. I crossed into my black shadow, and shared the demons I hold within me.

That's when it happened. She didn't leave. She didn't get disturbed or look at me any different. She came closer, shared more with me about her life, things she doesn't tell people. They weren't the same, yet they were. It... scared me, almost.

I tried this with my mother. She could tell when I was held captive by my personal enemy. She asked me if I needed any help. I finally told her about therapy. I finally told her what sat there and jabbed at my mind on a constant basis, save most of the details. And she said she just wants me to be happy, she doesn't care so much what I did, just what I have to do before me.

Not the same affect, but still lightening.

Anyways, back to the girl...

In these times when I get aggravated, I can listen to this song, and it all comes back to me. How she saw a glimpse of what I see. Of what my dreams would entail. She looked at the demon, and reached out to touch it. So maybe I don't feel that mysterious "love" with her yet, but I can see it happening, honestly. Can I see a future here? Sure... one better than any before her.

She cares about me... everything that is me, and shows it.

In other news...
happy cat...


unhappy cat...


weather picked up recently, in the 60's. So I gave my baby some attention...


nice wash and wax, every little detail. but then...

son of a bitch!

more random pictures from all kinds of events


her face is fucking priceless!

miley...

...loves the snow



i love my iphone!


Got two animal videos up!

Take care SG Land!