illuminatus

EDIT:
alright, so i guess i do have some words. some more free thinking, and its the kind of free thinking that could get me into trouble.

so, my roommate just rented hot tub time machine and a few other movies, and his girl is over here and we just finished it. the premise is the idea of going back in time a changing small things, things you wish you couldve done before, to make a complete difference in your present. then, the mother fucker had to go and put one of the other three movies he got tonight.... the book of eli.

and suddenly the mind starts a free for all of insanity.

ever watch a movie and see a character in a position, and it just made you come to reality with something in your life? happened in hot tub time machine, actually. how the ramifications of one incident can continue with you after 20 years, regardless of current mental standing on the situation? i dunno, i guess im just sort of rambling.

when my fianc back in the day left me, well.... she was amazing at singing. we sang together all the time. she could pull the perfect amy lee, so of course we sang evanescence and seether's broken all the fucking time. after she left me.... well, that voice was hard to listen to, yet i could never rid myself of it. i ALWAYS had an evanescence cd in the car, but it never got played.... ever. im not entirely sure it was even opened. took me... i wanna say two years before i started listening again. two years, and an overwhelming amount of anger, an anger i tried to recently replicate. however, a degree of interference occurred, ending the rage rapidly, not that it ever had any solid ground on which to stand.

anyways, this sort of rambling could go on, had i chosen to succumb to them. i could carry on like a buffoon. i could sit a wonder whats going on elsewhere. i could cause myself pain, but i dont anymore. more of a nuisance. thats whats its boiled itself down to, an annoyance. less of a knife, and now more of a thorn in my side. just something to scratch at every once in awhile.

i never ignored it, or tried hiding from it. i never denied it or sat around and tried to forget it. i faced it, and im happy that this is what it has become to me. small glimmers of hope, random times, but who doesnt do things like that? the same dance of imagination that keeps many of us moving forward through a dark area. so i will not do anything to prevent them, just leave them be, step past it, and move on.

anyways, like i said my free thinking can surely get me into trouble. maybe it has, maybe not. but its on my mind, and ill just leave it here for now.