i had things to say. i had a story to tell. i had words written down to transpose onto the internet. but i guess that all can wait for a epic blog day. for now, well....
the more and more i interact with things of the past, the more i realize that my past truly is behind me.
i realize that hardly anyone reads these on this site, and have been debating on letting the subscription go unattended this time around for a little while, but i dont think i can do that. i try to jump in a play about in the forums and on the threads, ive been in a temporary status of disappeared from them recently though. this site, these blogs, all this, whether or not anyone pays attention, helps me continue in my path toward internal peace. with that, my interpersonal skills grow, and at this point, i prefer interaction over messaging. i still hold true that tone of voice is overly important in communication. but without this monotone base, all would fail.
my pride has taken its beating, and am growing ever more confident in myself, by NOT defending it. admitting to my faults and my wrongs are also huge boosters toward my self esteem, not damaging to it. i no longer need others to give me mental boosts, im finally self sufficient on that. i know longer feel the need to receive any apologies from people, not for me at least. the desire to prove myself to anyone has completely vanquished. took me about five months to get here, but now that i am, i can honestly say im not nearly as bothered by situations as i used to be. and i did this all on my own, really.
the compliments i now receive are greatly appreciated, but not necessary. though it is always good to receive statements from others like that, it means so much more for people to recognize my change. it is not, however, for me. its for them. not my view on them, more for me to weigh them all. ironically, its tara, my ex, who has noticed it the most, and has followed it through all my steps. then nicole, though she only got a small view of me before, and only the worst of it. next to notice, my friends from back home, but not my old best friends. people who barely had the chance to get to know me. or those who spent little time with me, but got enough of the gists to see who i was. there are still entirely too many people who still view me as the raging alcoholic. who only see me as what i was before.
but really, its my own fault. first impressions are the ones that stick. and the impression of me back then was, well, exactly what i am not now. but its still good to see others acknowledge what it is i am going through, or should i say went through, as now im less at the level of rebuilding myself as i am building onto myself.
im seeing things in a much different aspect now, and cannot wait until i can pounce on what i have decided for myself. first up... tomorrow i will be talking to my student development advisor on transferring my credits after graduation to university of phoenix, and start working toward my bachelors in science of business with a concentration on small business management and entrepreneurship, to get me caught up to start my own. along the ways, aiming for my interests in sociology, psychology, and philosophy. ill have plenty of GI Bill left over to continue any education i desire after that, just want to ensure i get done what i plan on using for making it in the world first. all this i hope to commence immediately following graduation form my current school.
secondly, im beginning to lose understanding in my smoking. i do not find myself in situations anymore where i am antsy for a smoke, no more super emotional moments that i cannot control. the only time i need a smoke now is when i have been without for a bit. so i will be starting that battle soon, idealistically tomorrow, but school, around a bunch of smokers.... i can honestly say ill be able to hold back much. maybe saturday.
with that, my exercise routine will pick up as well. not only is it relaxing, AND i know ill put on weight when i quit smoking, its also just something i should do. theres a small gym here, and though most of the complex machines are broken, the basics are still there. maybe ill find myself at the pool more often.
next, and already permanently decided on. im moving back to pennsylvania this year before my 25th birthday, or on, either way. at this point, the only question now is how i will do it. so far, my plan still rests on a road trip through st louis, chicago, and any little humorous spot i can find along the way. still not sure on it yet. i may end up just flying and shipping the car.
i definitely just got distracted by 100 anti-twilight pictures, and am now one happy person having seen those.
ANYWAYS...
guess my whole train of thought has completely left me, so i might as well end this one and take myself to sleep.
the more and more i interact with things of the past, the more i realize that my past truly is behind me.
i realize that hardly anyone reads these on this site, and have been debating on letting the subscription go unattended this time around for a little while, but i dont think i can do that. i try to jump in a play about in the forums and on the threads, ive been in a temporary status of disappeared from them recently though. this site, these blogs, all this, whether or not anyone pays attention, helps me continue in my path toward internal peace. with that, my interpersonal skills grow, and at this point, i prefer interaction over messaging. i still hold true that tone of voice is overly important in communication. but without this monotone base, all would fail.
my pride has taken its beating, and am growing ever more confident in myself, by NOT defending it. admitting to my faults and my wrongs are also huge boosters toward my self esteem, not damaging to it. i no longer need others to give me mental boosts, im finally self sufficient on that. i know longer feel the need to receive any apologies from people, not for me at least. the desire to prove myself to anyone has completely vanquished. took me about five months to get here, but now that i am, i can honestly say im not nearly as bothered by situations as i used to be. and i did this all on my own, really.
the compliments i now receive are greatly appreciated, but not necessary. though it is always good to receive statements from others like that, it means so much more for people to recognize my change. it is not, however, for me. its for them. not my view on them, more for me to weigh them all. ironically, its tara, my ex, who has noticed it the most, and has followed it through all my steps. then nicole, though she only got a small view of me before, and only the worst of it. next to notice, my friends from back home, but not my old best friends. people who barely had the chance to get to know me. or those who spent little time with me, but got enough of the gists to see who i was. there are still entirely too many people who still view me as the raging alcoholic. who only see me as what i was before.
but really, its my own fault. first impressions are the ones that stick. and the impression of me back then was, well, exactly what i am not now. but its still good to see others acknowledge what it is i am going through, or should i say went through, as now im less at the level of rebuilding myself as i am building onto myself.
im seeing things in a much different aspect now, and cannot wait until i can pounce on what i have decided for myself. first up... tomorrow i will be talking to my student development advisor on transferring my credits after graduation to university of phoenix, and start working toward my bachelors in science of business with a concentration on small business management and entrepreneurship, to get me caught up to start my own. along the ways, aiming for my interests in sociology, psychology, and philosophy. ill have plenty of GI Bill left over to continue any education i desire after that, just want to ensure i get done what i plan on using for making it in the world first. all this i hope to commence immediately following graduation form my current school.
secondly, im beginning to lose understanding in my smoking. i do not find myself in situations anymore where i am antsy for a smoke, no more super emotional moments that i cannot control. the only time i need a smoke now is when i have been without for a bit. so i will be starting that battle soon, idealistically tomorrow, but school, around a bunch of smokers.... i can honestly say ill be able to hold back much. maybe saturday.
with that, my exercise routine will pick up as well. not only is it relaxing, AND i know ill put on weight when i quit smoking, its also just something i should do. theres a small gym here, and though most of the complex machines are broken, the basics are still there. maybe ill find myself at the pool more often.
next, and already permanently decided on. im moving back to pennsylvania this year before my 25th birthday, or on, either way. at this point, the only question now is how i will do it. so far, my plan still rests on a road trip through st louis, chicago, and any little humorous spot i can find along the way. still not sure on it yet. i may end up just flying and shipping the car.
i definitely just got distracted by 100 anti-twilight pictures, and am now one happy person having seen those.
ANYWAYS...
guess my whole train of thought has completely left me, so i might as well end this one and take myself to sleep.