illuminatus

i have entered unfamiliar territory, with familiar attachments. a place i hadnt foreseen when i started school. opposite in some aspects, strange in others. i am in a place that is... relatively free of stress. a place where i can finally lean back, and take in a long, exaggerated breath, stretch my body and stare out into nothing, absorbing the serenity of the ambiance.

what am i to do with all this silence.

i have reconciled my past. i have rebuilt my body and reprogrammed my mind. with no help, i have reached the thirteenth step on my own, leaving my phantoms behind me. im finally at a place where everyday truly is... a new day. every dawn is a fresh start, and new day to express by the philosophies i choose to live by. possibly, a new lesson to be learned, or a new challenge to overcome. but now... there is nothing.

spent the night with friends, was hyper for awhile. but then, we were at the pool, and i just... sat there. i said nothing, did nothing, just sat relaxed. i notice things now. the color patterns in the sky, the way headlights reflect off of signs. the sound of a raindrop hitting my forehead. this is the world, and i have finally changed the eyes in which i perceive it through. i am... what i want to be. mentally, i am where i i need to be. i am what makes me smile now.

i am a new calm.

i feel like theres something that should be lurking on my shoulders, but there isnt. i reach and look, and all i can see are the dying shadows as they dissipate into nothing. i have thoughts that still shouldnt be there, yet i believe it will eventually pass. it has gotten much better, to the point where it really is no longer bothersome. small little fits sometimes, but thats it. these feelings, these longings, they will pass with time. as long as she doesnt. losing the sacredness of friendship is something i have experienced, and could be claimed as my only regret.

but right now, i like where things are at. i like this calm. i like this temporary slow tempo. having ample time to slowly shape my near future. i have five months until im out of school, and already im planning my trip home, getting myself ready for furthered education. sending resumes to employers back home.

and that phrase... back home. it has never sounded so beautiful in all my life. back home. even when i was returning from iraq for the first time, that phrase had such a different connotation to it than it does right now. back home. its less exciting than it is... soothing. just, correct.

i am happy i have come around to this, i am happy ive finally carved my path into the stone tablet. my template is finished. my goals are clear. the smoke has lifted, and my life is ahead of me, yet for once, for the first time since i could breathe, im going to stand here for a bit, im going to relax in the present, then take the slow paced steps, enjoy this while i can.

ive spent the past five years telling myself to prepare for the world. the past five years, trying to get myself ready for life. all along, not realizing that i had been living in it. not realizing that i am in life, and i caught myself up in preparing for something that already is happening, that i missed a lot of it. i have so many years ahead of me, with so little steps to go. looking back, i have missed so much of the world out of pure arrogance that things are becoming new to me.

its no longer time to prepare, i am prepared. now is the time to set foot, make my mark. now is my time to open my eyes wide, and make a difference where i can. my future, it began months ago, but i was too blind to recognize it. and now that i see it... now that i can understand where im at, i can finally observe it, in all its interests. i can finally stop looking into the mirror so much, and stop glancing out the window, and open the door.