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illuminatus

Harrisburg

Member Since 2008

Followers 7 Following 17

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Monday Jun 21, 2010

Jun 21, 2010
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you breathed, then you stopped.... and tonight, i feel like more....



SPOILERS! (Click to view)

you move like I want to
to see like your eyes do
we are downstairs where
no one can see
new life break away
tonight I feel like more
tonight I
you make the water warm
you taste foreign
and I know you can see
the cord break away
cause tonight I feel like more
tonight I feel like more
tonight I feel
feel like more
you breathed
then you stopped
I breathed then dried you off
and tonight
I feel like more
tonight



so, to say that recently has been a roller coaster would a slight exaggeration, but about as close as i can get. though it was also full of smiles, the occasional dissonance still lingers from time to time from its usual source, as well as from a couple other ones, but not in any way i cannot handle. overall, however, things have definitely taken a turn for the better. now, i just need to keep myself there.

in psych long ago, i remember a lesson that i was able to relate to, that most people would be able to relate themselves to. i cannot for the life of me remember what its called, but the principle itself involves a mental comfort zone, somewhere between total depression and complete ecstasy, that we try to keep ourselves at. typically its defined as we are growing up where this comfort zone is, but for the most part its the place where we all try to be. regardless of whether or not its really good, if were feeling better than our comfort zone, we will have thoughts that bring us back a little bit. when we drop below it, we try to think ourselves back up to it.

now, i am above my usual comfort zone, and right now, im just fighting to stay there, fighting to change that place, make it higher, make me happier. im facing small fits of anger, jealousy, depression, and loneliness, yet all streamed together with all these other things that make me smile, like trying to navigate the worlds most confusing jungle gym.

enter friendship:

i have been receiving messages from many people, telling me how i have somehow inspired them or stand as a symbol of strength for them. one such message, from a close friend has made the list. helped me to look back and review my life again, with an even finer toothed comb:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

...I finally was able to go back and read your entire blog. You have a lot to say, and I didn't have the time to give it the attention it deserved until now, even though I have know about it for some time now. I have to admit that some of the posts made me cry. And others made me laugh. To read what you have been through and looking at my past makes me hopeful and thankful. You truly amaze me, and I think you are a strong and amazing person. Though I must say I felt insulted every time you started a blog out with I know no one is caring about this....
...When I met you I saw you heading the wrong direction. I knew you were an alcoholic the day I met you, but I knew you weren't so far gone that you couldn't find your way back. If I had thought that I wouldn't even be talking to you now. Though honestly I can't really trust my own judgment sometimes, because all of those I have most faith in, and trust the most have only hurt me the worst. I have lost trust in everyone, but not faith, and I am thankful for that. I saw in you where my mother once was, but she never turned around. Thank you for finding a new path. Thank you for being so strong, and believing you can find yourself. Thank you for not blaming others for your problems, but know you will always have someone here rooting for you, and here for you if you need anything. Those who don't help themselves can't hope to help others.



i have been a neglected child, and abused child, a problem child. now, my parents like to remind me how proud of me they are. i was a loner, a druggy, a popular kid. now, i am just what i am. ive lost friends and family, both to this world and the one after. i have been faithful, once to religion and once to the gun. i have shot and been shot, made explosions and been in explosions. i have been wealthy and poor, happy and depressed, an alcoholic and sober. i was a father to a child that wasnt mine, and i lost a child of my own. i lived carefree and have stared death in the face. i was a rebel, and i was a pawn. i was somebody else entirely once.now, everything i am is strong because how long i spent being weak.

we all possess the strength and will power to accomplish our dreams. the difficulty lies in finding the courage to follow through.

i am currently spending my time now facing the expected consequences of my actions. slight loneliness, and sometimes pure anger. what i had not anticipated, however, was how most of my friends dont see the new me. they still try to bargain my company with nothing but alcohol. asking me to come to an event i have no interest in, but hey... they're wasted! and i can get drunk too! no thanks guy, im a bit different from that old person. i have successfully ejected 4 people from my life in a week. two of them were hard... hard as hell to do, and of all the people that understand, one person tried telling me that i made a wrong decision, that i didnt for sure know what couldve eventually happened. i tried to explain it to them, but i guess they are a lost caused. they have always been pretty closed minded, anyways.

either way, these are all things i can get myself through, and have faith in myself and my strength, and it helps that i have control of this all now. having a handle on myself and the world immediately around me to a decent extent is an unfamiliar yet welcoming feeling.

WEEKEND NEWS:

had a great weekend heading out with the friends from the old. shots a lot of rounds and made myself happy that im still deadly at 400 yards iron sight. first shot gun experience ever.... now i am searching for a remington 870 lol. had a couple drinks, a lot of laughs, and of course rolled with my mma buddy. he still kicked my ass, but it was a good fight lol. pictures... not many....


and natural life is flourishing at my place!!!!


couldnt help but grab the picture


yes... thats a couple pink guns, only part of what we took out! all in all, there were three remington 870's, a mosburg, 2 22 long barrels, ar 15, barreta 9, some crap nine, and a 38 revolver.


coolest kitten ever!


tiny little girl


this... speaks for itself. go texas


take care SG land!

EDIT:

it still amazes me how easily wisdom can come and where it can come from. usually, it only take one phrase and a little thought to turn a statement into philosophy.

intellect over intelligence. passion over attraction. progression over momentary obsession. open heart without closed mind. courage over strength. will over desire.

these are the thing i seek, both in myself and in others.

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