this is the world i live in. a world of constant twists and turns, and rarely are any of them really that great. i have spent a lot of time looking deep into the details of my environment, of my world. looking at the beauty and all the previously unseen happiness that lie within. at the same time, im trying to look at it all from my original view, from the broad spectrum. its more and more like a puzzle everyday. a nightmare of a puzzle. like trying to see the picture through one of its pieces. is this what i am becoming?
you know what the worst part of the puzzle is? how sometimes pieces can fit together when they arent supposed to. throws you off your game. you find yourself building something that isnt supposed to be. and when you realize it, you just destroy everything you have sitting there. everything but the edges, of course. you keep your boundaries in place, but what you have built, is just wrong. like you spent a lot of time seeing what doesnt exist.
this is what im trying to avoid. this is why im trying to really stare at the pieces individually. really trying to live little by little, not knowing what the complete will look like. i think this is better. i think i need to stop looking so far ahead, stop trying to see the general picture, and focus on what im doing now. whats going on now.
you cant see the forest through the trees.
problem is.... im not sure if i actually like this. sure, its helping me maintain my sanity, keep myself in order. but it feels unprepared. scratch that. wrong word. not unprepared, just blind. fuck that doesnt work either. maybe... i mean, i can be prepared, but being so.... unsure about anything.... wait, what the fuck, i never have been sure of anything. what is there to be sure about? if you know the outcome of it all... whats the point in the journey?
why have i been so ignorant my whole life? just like my convoys..... completely prepared, and heres the plan: drive to COP speicher, drop of supplies. turn around, four humvees alone back. quick fast and in a hurry. then next thing you know.... boom. life changes THAT fucking fast. everything is rolling along smoothly, and then in one instant, nothing is what it once was. this has happened to me so many times with life.
why have i been trying to make my end all this time, ignoring my present? living too much in the fast lane?
ive said i need someone to keep me back a little bit, but maybe i need that person to be myself. maybe if i really am that person, the one i am looking for will eventually come. and see this. and i can see them. maybe i can maintain a much stronger grip on my mentality, on my life, and really push to live the way i deem as.... right.
dead is hard. life is much easier.
EDIT:
so, sitting outside, i noticed something amazing. with the sunlight reflecting off the pond, with its ripples, on the branches of the trees, you can see the reflections, between the ripples, moving toward the trunk, then fading away. its like watching the tree absorb the light, watching life itself. definitely something to behold.
between that and this......
i am happy.
SECOND EDIT:
HOLY FUCK! leave it to a nice glass of scotch to give me the fucking answer!!!!!! stood on my porch and stared into the pond... sipping on my scotch. and it hit me. it fucking hit me, and i feel like a complete fucking moron for not getting this earlier. there is no picture. the pieces fit together the way i see best and the picture is whatever i make it into! this world isnt set for me, i do not have a destiny. there is no fate but what we make, and there is no picture at the end of the puzzle but what we choose it to be.
i will stare at the pieces and focus on them one at a time, and find out where each fits. there is no larger picture to look at, no broad scheme of things to try to fit my pieces into, just put them where i believe they should go.
why did i not know this? is it because i have been in a puzzle that had a broad view for so long? or just the fact that i never looked DEEP enough into the mirror i couldnt see the truth? i make the puzzle, and paint the picture on it. i am my own illustrator.