illuminatus

so what to talk about exactly? my thoughts betray me (enter darth vader voice) rather uncomfortably often. its rather disturbing, catching myself in this back and forth battle over whats right and wrong in my life, and there seems to be no lacking in them. no sign of surrender, no backing down. all i can do is make a decision and hope its right. to touch on a view recent events.....

first, to finish my rant over politics. a friend helped me to clarify with myself what it is i hate. its not the system, its not politics over all. i just dont like to watch the argument. it only pisses me off. i dislike seeing the back and forth, each side speaking just enough to make it sound right for their cause. all in all, i just want to see the results. i want to watch the country progress, little by little, more and more. and it needs to not stop. like running up the down escalator, as long as you keep moving you can get somewhere, but once you pause in your climg, you fall back several steps. so much occurs, and to me, no matter how much i may agree with something, all too often, the intentions do not justify the actions, i am living proof of that. either way, i stand here, politics is not something evil, its not something we should ever ignore. its pure necessity, and it has its affects on every aspect of life. ill be there to figure out the question, look at the sides, vote when needed. end. the fight, i want nothing to do with it.

continuing.... this situation with missouri girl. theres so much that could go wrong, and so much that can be gained if things go well. my biggest fight now lies in whether or not i can succeed in changing my appearance of her, if she can elevate above just friends, above the view of her i once had. i have no idea, and theres a bit in me that doesnt doubts much can actually be achieved, but what if i never try? whats worse... failing or being afraid to try? i dunno.

so, i finally made it out into the world friday night. this local bar blasting rock music, met up with a kid from school. lets make a comparison.i used to go out every friday and saturday night, hundred dollars of alcohol each night, give or take. now, friday night... i had a beer. one beer. sat around for a bit, chatted away, listened to the music, went home. and last night, well, seeing as how my roommate works nights, his girlfriend came over after work and hung out, so she could be there when he gets home. we had a couple beers together, went to see her puppy, watched a couple movies. couple more beers. started feeling decent. went outside and decided to try to find wildlife in the pond. enter old bread still sitting around. best part of the night... the fish started gathering. i had a bright flashlight on hand, and we found dozens of them!!!!! i spent seriously a couple hours watching these guys. it was serene, comfortable, silent, nice.

many of my problems faded for awhile out there. only to return with the vibration of my phone. missouri girl was drunk, saying things that needed not to be said, inappropriate things. re-enter reality. re-enter problems. right or wrong.

well, things could always be worse.