i have stood out and opened up from a life of imprisonment. a self contained form of communication, the ability to breathe and present something that was not who i am while simultaneously silencing the only voice of reason that would attempt, in vein, to speak out. though there was this slight feeling of being incomplete, i seemed to find ways to ignore it. for awhile, it was drinking and partying. but being enrolled as a full time student, i lost the financial ability to do so, as well as the lacking of friends nearby to join me. after that, it was people. well, person to be exact.
since my elevation from this downward spiral, my rapturing, i have been pushing myself to never fall back again, never again relapse. live the way i feel like i am. be myself. show myself to the world. to those i encounter on a daily basis.
right now, i am relapsing. in a very strange sense. i was said, years ago, that the evil will assault you from a direction in which you will never expect it. be it external evil or internal darkness. yet, i am living in direct opposition to who i have been creating myself to be.
i must reverse this. either this situation needs to stop completely, or i must find a way to go on with in in concurrence to who i now am. this could mean the end of an acquaintance. it could mean the end of something that just began. or it could be for the better of me. this is something that i need to do for myself, and i mustn't allow anyone else to influence me otherwise.
this could be bad, but it must be done. for the sake of who i am.
"There's no use to fight this wrenching tourniquet of deprivation
obedience subservience leads to substance" - Internal Primates Forever, Mudvayne