i dont know what to say. i have started a blog, but after about half an hour of writing, deleted it all.
my mind is still in overdrive, as i am analyzing the results of what i have been calling my "social experiments" and this discussions i have had during them. i am also analyzing my break up, which i could and should stop, but, as all my ranting and raving has previously pointed out, the break up sparked a drastic change i needed in my life, and the end result of this change is something that many could relate to God changing their lives, not in any way literally. its just that much of a positive impact.
i find myself at an internal stalemate.
this reincarnation of my mind has brought back many of my old studies, including psychology, sociology, philosophy, theology and ideology. even my old lessons is interrogation, which i am not proud of. obviously, it never brought back tact, as i believe the "act then think" mentality of the army has terribly disfigured that. then again, maybe there is still the possibility to resuscitate it and nurse it back to health.
there are things about people i am seeing, and things i want to say. things i feel the need to say to certain people, not only for my own benefit, but for their own good too. yet, for a handful of people, anything i say is automatically in offence. the things i wish to discuss, i know they are close minded to. yet there is that part of me... that empathy in other peoples past or present problems..... that makes me want to reach out and do everything in my power to crack the door for them.
in psychology, they teach you that some people experience an event that has such a dramatic impact on them, where they change into something that may hinder their ability to grow and mature, and the only way to open that up in them is to attempt to recreate that affect, in some cases to cause a lot of pain for a moment, to open that part of their life back up. i surely can attest to this. thats what it took for me.
and there lies my stalemate. i do not want to cause this pain, and further more, i really do not see my words or actions in anyway creating the affect that is required. yet, i wish them to open that up and share it, to allow them to grow. then again, anything i say is automatically taken as an offence, or possibly a disguise just to get close. which it is in no way. this is about them. about their growth.
should i become and remain the complete asshole if it means the chance of them growing and maturing the way they should? should i be the permanently hated one saying such painful things for just a chance?
my mind is still in overdrive, as i am analyzing the results of what i have been calling my "social experiments" and this discussions i have had during them. i am also analyzing my break up, which i could and should stop, but, as all my ranting and raving has previously pointed out, the break up sparked a drastic change i needed in my life, and the end result of this change is something that many could relate to God changing their lives, not in any way literally. its just that much of a positive impact.
i find myself at an internal stalemate.
this reincarnation of my mind has brought back many of my old studies, including psychology, sociology, philosophy, theology and ideology. even my old lessons is interrogation, which i am not proud of. obviously, it never brought back tact, as i believe the "act then think" mentality of the army has terribly disfigured that. then again, maybe there is still the possibility to resuscitate it and nurse it back to health.
there are things about people i am seeing, and things i want to say. things i feel the need to say to certain people, not only for my own benefit, but for their own good too. yet, for a handful of people, anything i say is automatically in offence. the things i wish to discuss, i know they are close minded to. yet there is that part of me... that empathy in other peoples past or present problems..... that makes me want to reach out and do everything in my power to crack the door for them.
in psychology, they teach you that some people experience an event that has such a dramatic impact on them, where they change into something that may hinder their ability to grow and mature, and the only way to open that up in them is to attempt to recreate that affect, in some cases to cause a lot of pain for a moment, to open that part of their life back up. i surely can attest to this. thats what it took for me.
and there lies my stalemate. i do not want to cause this pain, and further more, i really do not see my words or actions in anyway creating the affect that is required. yet, i wish them to open that up and share it, to allow them to grow. then again, anything i say is automatically taken as an offence, or possibly a disguise just to get close. which it is in no way. this is about them. about their growth.
should i become and remain the complete asshole if it means the chance of them growing and maturing the way they should? should i be the permanently hated one saying such painful things for just a chance?