i have had a lot written from the past few days. things about the va hospital, my diagnosis, and other things. some trips into my mind again, but im figuring for the time being to keep the unexciting things on paper for now. there really is no reason for me to bring those things onto here anymore, no need to share them blindly with people. these are things that need to remain in a place where i can let them out during conversation. during therapy. during serious talks. which i had one with my sister last night, kinda touching base with where all this need for therapy is spawning from. she basically just wanted to know briefly what has been going through my head. by the end of the late night talk, she said she was proud that i was taking these difficult steps, but stressed that it only gets harder.... going to be forced to bring things back, memories that haunt me and memories i have forgotten. in order to silence the monster, i must release him. i must allow him to share all his dark secrets and thoughts. i must allow him to become me entirely, then.... only afterwards can i lock him up and throw on a muzzle.
as far as the exciting things go.... all this time of soul searching and beating myself up i have finally come to an amazing epiphany. one that i once saw as impossible.... i have found myself again. i have returned to the person i once was, but only stronger. im not the same as the person i once claimed to be, i am wiser. not only can i see the faces that my body contains, but i have learned how to differenciate between them, how to pick the right one for the moment. i have learned how to recognize the monster, the boy, and the man. i have learned the errors of my ways and, no matter how destructive they were or how self damaging their actions were, im ready to accept responsibility for my immaturity of allowing them to progress and exasterbate the problems in my world.
the eyes.... they will always be my eyes. but they are one of many pairs i have. and the soldier eyes.... are ones i will NEVER be able to release from myself. instead, its time for me to know when to wear them. no longer wish and try to destroy them, rather learn to cope with them. negotiations between these eyes have begun, and its looking promising in my favor.
on another note, having come to this conclusion, i have returned to reading again. and it is still as soothing as ever. right now im still on my raymond khoury kick, reading his book "the sanctuary." he touches, yet again, on religion and its affect on the world, both past and present, in politics, war, everyday living, and interpersonal beleifs. i know it sounds like a dan brown book, but to me, dan brown's stories on his character robert langdon are more of a bias history lesson in the form of an entertaining story, raymond khoury's books are more defined stories with history and politics tied in. its a bit faster, and with much more suspense, but not too much you begin to lose interest. dont get me wrong, angels and demons and the da vince code were good and all, but brown's pre-langdon novel "deception point" was to me the mark of his writing success. less history, less religion, less politics, more an actual fiction story.... with all these other things involved, not consuming the plot line. i think after this one, im going to move out of fiction for a bit, maybe start up on the philosphy side. a buddy of mine mentioned a couple chinese originated books that caught my attention. seeing as how im completely done with khoury after this and been done with palahniuk and vonnegut, i thiknk its time to move on to things i know nothing about. expand my brain instead of just feeding it.
anywhos.... since this newly discovered revelation of myself, my mind has grown to quiet itself a bit now. i only start to analyze when i want to. now i can focus myself on class or my books or my surroundings, not form the soldier eyes btw. this ability has just dramatically opened up my world, and now my phone camera isnt cutting it anymore. i hope i can get this internet workin well enough to post some recent shots on here. finalyl found a shot of the city that i actually like to look at. nice shot of the pigeons being fed by the vets, they allow you to get decently close. my dogs have grown into a more integral part of my life. i have reached that point where a pet is no longer a pet, but a child. watching raiden grow into the dog he has become from the 8 month old puppy we first got him as, its a undescribable joy. my pretty girl kenai is like a welcome home mat for me. she is my new daughter. my bi-polar and slightly disturbed, but beautiful loving child. speaking of, i think she's due for another dog park trip. ill probably bring sadie too, she loves it there. and watching kenai become the big protective sister of sadie is absolutely breath taking. my little girl has such a big heart disguised by sharp teeth.
soooo yeah..... im going to spent a little bit of time trying to boost the signal of my hack into the neighbors network to try to allow pictures to be uploaded so i can post them. gonna have to wait till next time lol
EDIT:
today has been good to me. my mind, being its new relaxed state, has allowed me to open myself back up to the world. a conversation with someone in my past who has caused much pain.... no, she is someone who was a medium for me to cause myself pain, pain that i still feel, and who i have caused even more to, has brought things down to a decent level. i wont get into the details, but.....
anyways... although i am in this new mood where i can finally appreciate my life, and where i can deal with what i have done in my past.... there still..... tears. there are still things that are incredibly difficult to look at, memories that are still horribly terrifying.... things i still wish for that will never happen. at least now, i can slightly accept this, though i know it will all still cause much much pain.
as far as the exciting things go.... all this time of soul searching and beating myself up i have finally come to an amazing epiphany. one that i once saw as impossible.... i have found myself again. i have returned to the person i once was, but only stronger. im not the same as the person i once claimed to be, i am wiser. not only can i see the faces that my body contains, but i have learned how to differenciate between them, how to pick the right one for the moment. i have learned how to recognize the monster, the boy, and the man. i have learned the errors of my ways and, no matter how destructive they were or how self damaging their actions were, im ready to accept responsibility for my immaturity of allowing them to progress and exasterbate the problems in my world.
the eyes.... they will always be my eyes. but they are one of many pairs i have. and the soldier eyes.... are ones i will NEVER be able to release from myself. instead, its time for me to know when to wear them. no longer wish and try to destroy them, rather learn to cope with them. negotiations between these eyes have begun, and its looking promising in my favor.
on another note, having come to this conclusion, i have returned to reading again. and it is still as soothing as ever. right now im still on my raymond khoury kick, reading his book "the sanctuary." he touches, yet again, on religion and its affect on the world, both past and present, in politics, war, everyday living, and interpersonal beleifs. i know it sounds like a dan brown book, but to me, dan brown's stories on his character robert langdon are more of a bias history lesson in the form of an entertaining story, raymond khoury's books are more defined stories with history and politics tied in. its a bit faster, and with much more suspense, but not too much you begin to lose interest. dont get me wrong, angels and demons and the da vince code were good and all, but brown's pre-langdon novel "deception point" was to me the mark of his writing success. less history, less religion, less politics, more an actual fiction story.... with all these other things involved, not consuming the plot line. i think after this one, im going to move out of fiction for a bit, maybe start up on the philosphy side. a buddy of mine mentioned a couple chinese originated books that caught my attention. seeing as how im completely done with khoury after this and been done with palahniuk and vonnegut, i thiknk its time to move on to things i know nothing about. expand my brain instead of just feeding it.
anywhos.... since this newly discovered revelation of myself, my mind has grown to quiet itself a bit now. i only start to analyze when i want to. now i can focus myself on class or my books or my surroundings, not form the soldier eyes btw. this ability has just dramatically opened up my world, and now my phone camera isnt cutting it anymore. i hope i can get this internet workin well enough to post some recent shots on here. finalyl found a shot of the city that i actually like to look at. nice shot of the pigeons being fed by the vets, they allow you to get decently close. my dogs have grown into a more integral part of my life. i have reached that point where a pet is no longer a pet, but a child. watching raiden grow into the dog he has become from the 8 month old puppy we first got him as, its a undescribable joy. my pretty girl kenai is like a welcome home mat for me. she is my new daughter. my bi-polar and slightly disturbed, but beautiful loving child. speaking of, i think she's due for another dog park trip. ill probably bring sadie too, she loves it there. and watching kenai become the big protective sister of sadie is absolutely breath taking. my little girl has such a big heart disguised by sharp teeth.
soooo yeah..... im going to spent a little bit of time trying to boost the signal of my hack into the neighbors network to try to allow pictures to be uploaded so i can post them. gonna have to wait till next time lol
EDIT:
today has been good to me. my mind, being its new relaxed state, has allowed me to open myself back up to the world. a conversation with someone in my past who has caused much pain.... no, she is someone who was a medium for me to cause myself pain, pain that i still feel, and who i have caused even more to, has brought things down to a decent level. i wont get into the details, but.....
anyways... although i am in this new mood where i can finally appreciate my life, and where i can deal with what i have done in my past.... there still..... tears. there are still things that are incredibly difficult to look at, memories that are still horribly terrifying.... things i still wish for that will never happen. at least now, i can slightly accept this, though i know it will all still cause much much pain.