introducing.... MY FAMILY!
so me and my sisters went up to pa for easter, having my mom and all her children together for the first time since 2005. shan (my sister in law) has NEVER been with all of us like this, so it was an epic weekend!
PICTURES!
my little brother an i being usual lol
you just wish you were this cool!
gotta train the little one how to defend herself!
many thanks to my father for the pictures!
relax time after soccer/football outside in the awesome pa GRASS!
i also made a new friend!!!! meet bailey lol (shhh, dont tell my kenai puppy lol)
so yeah, needless to say this weekend was awesome, had great food lots of laughs.... painted my moms bathroom, put up a ceiling fan for her.... i loves my momma lol
little brother graduates high school this year... holy mother of god by the way!
i also finished my most recently purchased book, Rant, by Chuck Palahniuk.... which was fucking awesome. definitely made its way to the top of my favorites list!
brought about an interesting thought, by the way.... i beleive ive already explained liminal time (if you dont know refer to my last blog) and if you were able to travel back in time before you were born, then wouldnt you be living in a liminal state? as in you exist already but your not yet born, liminal space-time, a state where time does NOT pass. if something were to prevent you from gettin born in this past, would you cease to exist, or would you just be forever stuck in this liminal space-time, therefore becoming immortal? hmmmm, seems back to the future may have gotten it wrong.
also, been keeping up on my running, and its starting to show its positive effects! i am becoming a bit calmer, and definitely have more energy throughout the day. i eat a bit more than i used to, have better lung capacity (found that out during my singing lol) and feel all around better! did somethign i never have before.... ran with my mother... which i guess i should give a brief description about why that is such an accomplishment for me... mom has ran in her time a couple of 25 mile marathons... and most impressively once ran 5 miles while 6 months pregnant with my little sister WHILE puching my little brother in a jogger thingy. so running with her is awesome. gave my little sister (who is now in track in school) some tips to running... sprinting off your toes, proper breathing techniques, such and such. but running in the beautiful nature of pa beats the fuck out of texas lol
but by the end of the weekend, i definitely went through something.
i went to see my older brother as he just finished some awesome outside additions to his place, to include a new concrete pad, a brick pad for his hot tub, and new fire pit. sitting outside in the cool night air, with the smog-free sky showing the stars, sipping on scotch and smoking some cigars.... something opened up in me... at first i thought it was the alcohol, but no, i wasnt drunk. something in me got to open up more to my family. it was like the moment i realized i have been living in PTSD. i always denied it though. i shared the story..... the one i still get nightmares about, from iraq. the one where my trigger pull counted for something. the one where all my night-fire training paid off. the ghost story that doesnt seem to refuse to haunt me.
sitting there.... fire lit, staring up at the sky, i lost it. didnt think that the stories could still do this to me. i bawled. couldnt stop either. scotch in one hand, my face in my other. crying.... couldnt say the word "killed." just sat there, crying.... my fathers chest against my head, my sister-in-laws hand on my back, my older brothers forehead against the side of mine. lost, but not alone.
since this.... it almost like i have recovered something lost in me. like some pieces were returning to me. and now, i will quickly release something else that damn near noone knows about me....
since this heart wrenching break up, ive been hearing "you met her for a reason" and other such statements. im not one to beleive in fate or any other shit, but if i had to pin a reason for each of my heart breaks, here they are:
high school.... well obviously this is the first one. the required one. everyone must experience this to get a better grasp on what love truly is. its that simple.
the next one.... the worst one. this one occured just before i joined the army. i was with someone who had gotten pregnant due to a drunk night with someone unexpected. i started dating her, and fell. for some reason, even at the age of 20, i was preparing myself to raise a child. i decided that in my current lifestyle i could support them, so i did something i have been giving serious thought for a long time. i joined the army. returning from training, we got together in texas. 6 weeks later, little mathew was born. i helped raise him for six months before she (being from a completely NON disfunctional family) decided that it would be better for mathew to be raised near if not by his real father.... and she left me. she left with i had taken to be my son. we were engaged then, and i was already looking into adoption. so much for that one. after she left.... i went 9 days withOUT sobriety. constantly drunk, went broke spending so much in alcohol. i recovered though.... but she was in my life to show me what it is i truly want out of life.... kids.
this one.... this one hurt. not as bad as last, but it was like.... 4 years later i finally find that comfort that destroyed me before.... and i was all healed. i was compelte again. but then... well, recent history shows. this one.... this helped bring me to see that i HAVE been living with PTSD. i had been denying this whole time, over a year, but she helped me to see that i definitely was not what i used to be. so i really cant be completely pissed or really hate them, because they may have just saved my future, the future that will be different tomorrow and is different from yesterday.
we all cast shadows. certain times theyre tiny, others they are much larger than we really are. at night, they just hide.... hard to see, but they are still there. we will always have this shadow, and it will forever be ours. the trick in life is to find out how to cast it. where should you allow your shadow to stand, to take over, or to stay away? i once had a shadow over a tiny human life, mathew. then later, my shadow just started hiding. was barely visible, but was still there, kinda stalking me in the dark. now, i must start the journey to grow it. to make my shadow large enough that it casts on everything i want, everything i need. i need my shadow to be big enough, for long enough, to spread itself slightly. i need it to mix with another shadow. i need to create new shadows, and show them how to cast their own.
my footprints only show where ive been, but my shadow can show where ive been, where i am, and where im about to be. there is no hope in the past, and there is no changing now. but there is the future, and i must learn to control where my shadow will cast.
this is my life, this is my ever-changing future. this is my world. this is whatever i make it. this here now is where i stand, back there is where ive been, but ahead of me.... there is so much. so much potential for everything, or nothing. tread carefully, and remember.... snakes in the grass can only make you stronger.
EDIT:
i need a new book for my enjoyment! was thinkng about the last templar by Raymond Khoury, but im really interested in deep dark humored satires such as Kurt Vonnegut and Chuck Palahniuk
ALSO
i find myself at this point where being alone is bad for me. i cannot stop thinking. i think about anything and everything. thats all i do now. im either talking to friends or thinking to myself. thought after thoguht after thought after another worthless thought. i cant sleep well anymore. my point is, and what is also somewhat the sorce of my recent anger.....
......if your constantly thinking with your brain, when do you have time to listen to your heart?
so me and my sisters went up to pa for easter, having my mom and all her children together for the first time since 2005. shan (my sister in law) has NEVER been with all of us like this, so it was an epic weekend!
PICTURES!
my little brother an i being usual lol
you just wish you were this cool!
gotta train the little one how to defend herself!
many thanks to my father for the pictures!
relax time after soccer/football outside in the awesome pa GRASS!
i also made a new friend!!!! meet bailey lol (shhh, dont tell my kenai puppy lol)
so yeah, needless to say this weekend was awesome, had great food lots of laughs.... painted my moms bathroom, put up a ceiling fan for her.... i loves my momma lol
little brother graduates high school this year... holy mother of god by the way!
i also finished my most recently purchased book, Rant, by Chuck Palahniuk.... which was fucking awesome. definitely made its way to the top of my favorites list!
brought about an interesting thought, by the way.... i beleive ive already explained liminal time (if you dont know refer to my last blog) and if you were able to travel back in time before you were born, then wouldnt you be living in a liminal state? as in you exist already but your not yet born, liminal space-time, a state where time does NOT pass. if something were to prevent you from gettin born in this past, would you cease to exist, or would you just be forever stuck in this liminal space-time, therefore becoming immortal? hmmmm, seems back to the future may have gotten it wrong.
also, been keeping up on my running, and its starting to show its positive effects! i am becoming a bit calmer, and definitely have more energy throughout the day. i eat a bit more than i used to, have better lung capacity (found that out during my singing lol) and feel all around better! did somethign i never have before.... ran with my mother... which i guess i should give a brief description about why that is such an accomplishment for me... mom has ran in her time a couple of 25 mile marathons... and most impressively once ran 5 miles while 6 months pregnant with my little sister WHILE puching my little brother in a jogger thingy. so running with her is awesome. gave my little sister (who is now in track in school) some tips to running... sprinting off your toes, proper breathing techniques, such and such. but running in the beautiful nature of pa beats the fuck out of texas lol
but by the end of the weekend, i definitely went through something.
i went to see my older brother as he just finished some awesome outside additions to his place, to include a new concrete pad, a brick pad for his hot tub, and new fire pit. sitting outside in the cool night air, with the smog-free sky showing the stars, sipping on scotch and smoking some cigars.... something opened up in me... at first i thought it was the alcohol, but no, i wasnt drunk. something in me got to open up more to my family. it was like the moment i realized i have been living in PTSD. i always denied it though. i shared the story..... the one i still get nightmares about, from iraq. the one where my trigger pull counted for something. the one where all my night-fire training paid off. the ghost story that doesnt seem to refuse to haunt me.
sitting there.... fire lit, staring up at the sky, i lost it. didnt think that the stories could still do this to me. i bawled. couldnt stop either. scotch in one hand, my face in my other. crying.... couldnt say the word "killed." just sat there, crying.... my fathers chest against my head, my sister-in-laws hand on my back, my older brothers forehead against the side of mine. lost, but not alone.
since this.... it almost like i have recovered something lost in me. like some pieces were returning to me. and now, i will quickly release something else that damn near noone knows about me....
since this heart wrenching break up, ive been hearing "you met her for a reason" and other such statements. im not one to beleive in fate or any other shit, but if i had to pin a reason for each of my heart breaks, here they are:
high school.... well obviously this is the first one. the required one. everyone must experience this to get a better grasp on what love truly is. its that simple.
the next one.... the worst one. this one occured just before i joined the army. i was with someone who had gotten pregnant due to a drunk night with someone unexpected. i started dating her, and fell. for some reason, even at the age of 20, i was preparing myself to raise a child. i decided that in my current lifestyle i could support them, so i did something i have been giving serious thought for a long time. i joined the army. returning from training, we got together in texas. 6 weeks later, little mathew was born. i helped raise him for six months before she (being from a completely NON disfunctional family) decided that it would be better for mathew to be raised near if not by his real father.... and she left me. she left with i had taken to be my son. we were engaged then, and i was already looking into adoption. so much for that one. after she left.... i went 9 days withOUT sobriety. constantly drunk, went broke spending so much in alcohol. i recovered though.... but she was in my life to show me what it is i truly want out of life.... kids.
this one.... this one hurt. not as bad as last, but it was like.... 4 years later i finally find that comfort that destroyed me before.... and i was all healed. i was compelte again. but then... well, recent history shows. this one.... this helped bring me to see that i HAVE been living with PTSD. i had been denying this whole time, over a year, but she helped me to see that i definitely was not what i used to be. so i really cant be completely pissed or really hate them, because they may have just saved my future, the future that will be different tomorrow and is different from yesterday.
we all cast shadows. certain times theyre tiny, others they are much larger than we really are. at night, they just hide.... hard to see, but they are still there. we will always have this shadow, and it will forever be ours. the trick in life is to find out how to cast it. where should you allow your shadow to stand, to take over, or to stay away? i once had a shadow over a tiny human life, mathew. then later, my shadow just started hiding. was barely visible, but was still there, kinda stalking me in the dark. now, i must start the journey to grow it. to make my shadow large enough that it casts on everything i want, everything i need. i need my shadow to be big enough, for long enough, to spread itself slightly. i need it to mix with another shadow. i need to create new shadows, and show them how to cast their own.
my footprints only show where ive been, but my shadow can show where ive been, where i am, and where im about to be. there is no hope in the past, and there is no changing now. but there is the future, and i must learn to control where my shadow will cast.
this is my life, this is my ever-changing future. this is my world. this is whatever i make it. this here now is where i stand, back there is where ive been, but ahead of me.... there is so much. so much potential for everything, or nothing. tread carefully, and remember.... snakes in the grass can only make you stronger.
EDIT:
i need a new book for my enjoyment! was thinkng about the last templar by Raymond Khoury, but im really interested in deep dark humored satires such as Kurt Vonnegut and Chuck Palahniuk
ALSO
i find myself at this point where being alone is bad for me. i cannot stop thinking. i think about anything and everything. thats all i do now. im either talking to friends or thinking to myself. thought after thoguht after thought after another worthless thought. i cant sleep well anymore. my point is, and what is also somewhat the sorce of my recent anger.....
......if your constantly thinking with your brain, when do you have time to listen to your heart?
happy easter.
the pictures are wonderful.
oh and btw, snakes in the grass mearly reinforce the fact that "Doc, you know I hate snakes"