illuminatus

not that anyone is really listening....
i mean im not very active here so yeah, really noone talks to me on here lol
but this is still the best place to post this.

first the standard stuff.

tomorrow i fly to pa!!!! get to see family and an old friend and my mommas new place! was gonna be another adventure, but problems occured by me have rendered that as.... non functioning. its things im working on, which i shall elaborate on in a couple seconds here.

to refresh.... got into some arguing of a lack of something that laid within our conversations. let me re-clarify for myself.... not lack of conversations, lack of something important IN our conversations. took me a long while to see that. i kept arguing that i was tryin to talk and she wasnt... when in reality she was trying to help and i was just aimlessly talking. took me entirely too long to see that. which bothered me and got me to thinking about myself. thats about when i came to the realization that im a very insecure person and do not seem to have the ability to trust people with myself.... and its because i dont trust myself. i dont even know who i am. well fuck this needs immediate fixin!!

so, armed with a new book, a pen and some paper.... heres my progress:

day 1:
awoke in a weird mood this morning. part of me was thinking... "damnit i was really enjoying that dream." and the another part of me was terrified. "holy shit, where do i start this whole thing??" how do i help myself. and i thought of something someone whom i very much admire told me recently. "i read self-improvement books and take pictures of grass!" so i decided on two things to start. number one... im going to start taking nature walks. to admire the simplicity and beauty, and to relax a lot. and second: lets see if a self-help book can, well, help.

so i got myself down to the bookstore and looked for the self help area. and WOW was i overwhelmed when i found it. this store is fairly new, and some of its sections arent sub-catagorized yet. so there i am staring at an extremely loose alphabetical collaboration of pretty much every form of self help one could think of. so forty five minutes and a handful of blurbs read later, i decided on one that centered on confidence. seemed decent enough and could maybe help me out a bit. so i got it.... and a copy of cat's cradle. just cuz i havent read it since like... high school.

went home, washed the car, ate, got me some puppy snugs, and headed off to school, singing the WHOLE way. i arrived at about 1pm, and class begins at 2. so i sat there and opened my new book. my first thoughts.... did i get the right book? does this crap even work for people? can i change? do i even actually need to change? went through the intro chapter.... and it seemed like a good read regardless if it helps me or not. it had this funny contract in it, about reading the whole thing and commiting to this building confidence thing and what not, and of course i thought it was just i stupid idea to sign it lol. made through about three pages of the next chapter, and by then already each one of those questions and the ones that ive been asking that got to this point in the first place... were asked and addressed already.

i went and signed the little contract... thing

class

so im in class, and about a hundred pages in. ive been writing little notes of things i see as related to my situation or things that really catch my eye. first thing was that life is NOT difficult, our feels simply make it that way. and reading it it was like a complete duh! statement, but it never occured to me. if i can somehow learn to really control my feelings and not alllow them to control my thoughts and actions, i can really be better as a person. and in that alone life could be so much better. second thing i wrote: i cannot blame myself, and i MUST not blame others for things that happen to me.

i have already seen through this that im what this author calls emotionally immature, which could not be a better discription of me. i am a total mental mess, really. how bout emotional disaster? maybe that wouldve worked. i am constantly overreacting to pretty much anything from criticism to blame to a stupid arguement. i use fear and anger in my own defense, just like a damn child. these reactions and defense method just keeps me feeling sometimes even worse, and builds up. along with many other things in my life, i was mentally overloading, and just like your body does when you go into shock, my mind would go into a state of temporary confusion. i would start to say things, still. in anger and fear, that made no sense, and i could not really make sense of what was being said to me. i always had this odd sense that something in my arguement was off, and sometimes i would look back and be like "wtf was i talking about?" or "how the fuck did i not figure that out?" well illy, theres your friggin answer.

so where it stands now.... im ful of shame and self pity. i procrastinate important things, avoid other important things, and whine for attention. i look at myself at times and wonder why i feel like a loser, and call myself stupid at times. oh yeah, im just a bundle of confidence!!!!! i seem to, no, dont seem to, i DO play as the victim too much. to stupid shit. i play victim so people will feel pity for me, will help me. i immediately blame others for shit that happens, and blame myself for anything when i get depressed.

and these are the things im starting to work on. i will be offline for a few days to really get a running start on this. wont really be talking to many people, just comforting family. this comfort will be both welcomed and challanging. at the very least, this weekend will be very relaxing with a lot of smiles.

i may be back on monday, depending on how my progress goes, and how my note take goes as well. the airplane and airport time will be good for reading and writing and thinking.

well, to anyone who is even reading this..... here i go.....
you can wish me luck, but luck should have nothing to do with it