I am a mess. No seriously, i'm a fuckin' mess man. I'm broke -23.78$ to my name (that's checking's & savings.) I'm lonely - but shit aren't we all- not really, but ya know. And i can see it all around me and do nothing. It's like the time i took mushrooms and wigged out thinking that i was controlling my body from a video game, or astral projection if you would, and here i am seeing the world from a different first person, because i can see my body and my friends and the world like i'm an outsider. I call that shit the "look out view", cause you know you look out at all the world and even yourself, really seeing how much of a fool you are and then headin' back in for the real deal, the polite pause before checkmate.
And that's where i am right no, scept' there's no checkmate and the view ain't so nice. I'm lookin' out at a view of shitty choices and letting the burden break the bridge. That is all, the concept of daily struggle has broken me, i'm too weak of a man to make it with the rest; just fuckin' kill me!
Nah not really, it's just you feel that way sometimes ya know? Or at least I do, I get in a spot where I "look out" at myself and just hate the picture. You're turning into on of them you piece of shit! GET A GRIP!
The world's tough but the prize is the DREAM! The Dream man! The Dream.
The Dream to multiply i guess, but when you say it like that, it doesn't describe me so well. I wanna be a father to a family that is great, i want to build the picturesque view that i have invested my dreams to. That is all. To have a great wife whom i love and cherish and a family who's morality suits the soundness of the sea.
Writing this definitely helped remind me of that. But reminding and activating are two different things, i still can't seem to begin. What do i do to unslump myself? What have i done before?
I guess i need to read a book, i need to break away from society once more and find my identity, no. I did that already, TO REVERT IS TO DECOMPOSE, and i don't see myself there just yet. You know it just occurred to me that i am no longer fond of silence. I've surrounded myself with all kinds of distractions and now have lost my adoration towards the heavenly sought after "comfortable silence" or better yet the "divine silence" one only experiences from the gaze of an angel, or from the piece of this world that moves your soul.
I Must Find it again, the Silence that I am Missing.
The Calmness to my Soul.