il_brutto

Id like to state that I wasnt specifically asking for nude pictures in my last journal. just pictures. But nudes will most defiantly accepted. Unless I specified that I didnt want them from you.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed the pictures but you know I had to get back to basics right?
So as promised:
Sometimes

I wish I wasn't me... Sometimes
I never wanted this. To be an artist. to be a writer. To be thoughtful. Complexed. I didnt ask for any of this. I wish I could have been good at math or sports or something. I wish I could watch the Blade trilogy and be entertained. I wish I could listen to the radio and not be annoyed. I dont want to like foreign films with subtitles. Remember that Simpson's episode (and I know you do.) where Homer got the crayon removed from his brain and he became smart? Well... yeah.
Id love to get paid to sit at a desk crunch numbers and love it. I dont want people looking at me. Well, I do but not just so they can tear me apart. Ive had this conversation before and i was told how silly it was for me to feel this way.
dude, you're an artist... have some fucking pride; do you have any idea how many of those boring math people wish they were artists? they could be, the just don't have the strength that you do.
But this whole performing for other people thing just isnt me. I am an artist at disappearing. I know how to walk into a room and never be noticed, thats what Ive been doing my whole life because I never felt I was worthy of being noticed. Now here I am in a position when this is all I can do so I have no choice but to be noticed or be even more unhappy for the rest of my life. So what do I do? Its either pimp myself or die. He goes nothing.

I wish I was drug free... Sometimes
Ill have to answer this with another quote
I'm running & running my stomach's grumbling but I ain't
Hungry or nothing that I'm just disgusted because I can't
Ever make what I think translate into what I say
Unless I pour this Vodka in that big cup & chug away
I wanna just run away from what I've become today
A rebel with a warrant & his name it say [lee h]


wish I saw the exit sign first... Sometimes
If I had know then what I know now Id be a millionaire. Or at least happy.

I pretend cause I'm afraid to be... Sometimes
One of my greatest fears is that Im bringing people down because Im not naturally a happy person. I feel so alone in a circle of laughing people. I wish I could laugh at such simple shit. this also pertains to the fact that Ive been around so many different types of people and I have the ability to connect with them but heres the catch. When you fit everywhere, where do you fit?I cringe when I hear guys call women bitches but I dont say anything and I hate myself for that. Ive had White friends tell me Im not like the other ones I never asked what the other ones meant. I hear my girl friends talk about how there are no good men anymore. I want to grab them by the shoulders and yell Im right here! but I dont. And even when I do something like that the reply usually something to the effect of oh, you dont count.

I hope I live to see twenty five... Sometimes...
I was born feet first. according to my mother I was pushing myself further up into her chest into her ribs. I also had the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. If I had gone up any further I would have broken my neck if I had come down any further I would have strangled myself. Long story short. Ive been fighting life since it began.

I wish I didn't try so hard... Sometimes.
I keep thinking if I work more hours Ill eventually have enough money. If I keep pressing shell like me eventually. If I help them out just this last time theyll be ok. I keep running into roadblocks thinking that if I keep banging my head into it itll fall. It never occurs to me until Im bleeding on the ground that it was a dead end.
BrookeLynne, hope you enjoyed the words and I hope the snow doesn't delay the mail too much.
Avalari isn't feeling well. say something to make her feel better.
Until next time...