I was warned today by my counselor that I might get barred to reenlistment by my command as an attempt to "kick my ass into gear." As if telling me "you're depressed, so to help you out, we are punishing you" would help me if I were actually interested in staying in but was still depressed.
I was also told to try to keep a...
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Another day down, another closer to leaving Kuwait. Showed my ass today, figuratively speaking. Work stuff is falling through the cracks and getting left by the wayside, adding further evidence that I am not right for this job anymore. Can't seem to stop messing up. Next mental health appointment is tomorrow. First one in several weeks. I am going to be tired, which will make...
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Family drama. Fun. Mom thinks one of my younger sisters has gone mental, my older sister is stirring up drama and lying about her, and that my father is poisoning said younger sister's mind against her. Meanwhile I'm just like "Erm...I just wish I weren't alone." It's days like today that I realize that nothing would really change if I were not in the Army.
I feel like I'm losing weight. I have no desire to go exercise, I'm even losing the restlessness that I used to get when I hadn't run in a while. I've been negative for a while now, even before I came out of the field. Make it up to neutral sometimes. Positive very rarely, and that's mostly a false positive that lasts as long as...
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Write me a story
Make it 'bout love
Of places that we'll never be.
Tell me of glory
And beasts we dream of
On roads that make us feel free
Write me a story
Of pleasure and pain
Of falling and struggling to see
Tell me of glory
Of rising again
Of joy in simplicity
Write me a story
Tell me of glory
Sing me...
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(Part of a story I'm writing.)
Name: Alan Genfree
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Race: Caucasian
Neuroses: Claustrophobia, Manic-Depressive, Agoraphobia.
Description: Adult white male, brown hair, green eyes. Self-inflicted scars on majority of body, minimal in areas typically visible in clothing. Scars speak of years of careful self-mutilation. Below average weight and fitness level.
Notes: Subject 65 has demonstrated severe anti-social behavior during his time in...
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Need to stop coming here simply to vent. People will start assuming I'm a mopey, whiny person.
Okay, I am mopey and whiny a lot these days. Sue me. :P
Back out of the field. Back in a bed, with daily showers, hot food, and the option to exercise. Back out of the field where I work with a majority of people I dislike. Clouds for every silver lining. I'm not really certain if I should try to change my thought patterns because if I stay broken, I could get out early, but I'm tired...
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Another day, another pill to try to hold the demons at bay, another day where the pill is ineffective. There is a joke in there, I'm sure.
Been trying to draw a picture, but I can't because every time I try I get worse because the model I'm drawing a picture of is someone I met and lust after and it aggravates my depression. Need...
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I'm tired. My mind is at it again, filling me with doubt, weariness, and disdain. I wish I wasn't broken.