Feeling kinda guilty today. She invited me to join her at an archery range yesterday, and I originally accepted, but once I got off work I was feeling depressed and tired, so I told her I was feeling sick and exhausted and couldn't make it. It wasn't a lie, if one considers depression a sickness, which I do, but I still feel bad about it. I slept for several hours, and that helped, where I am not sure how the hour and change drive to see her would have gone.
It took about a week after returning from the sandbox to start having depressive episodes again. It's funny, if I think about it. Everything I hated about Kuwait, save the being in the Army, is gone. I am in a relationship now, and while it is not one that I can experience every day, it's more than I have had in a couple of years. I am hypothetically leaving this horrible unit behind. I am no longer being sandblown, dealing with an entire lack of indoor plumbing, and living with everyone I work with. I finished publishing my book.
And I am still not capable of being happy all the time.
Not even most of the time. Every time I find myself enjoying myself I am good, but when it is over I often feel drained. I feel like my mask of "Okay" is stronger again, but the truth has suffered.
Maybe appointments resuming will help. Maybe I need stronger medication. Maybe leave will help. I wish she could come with me.