Sleep did not help. I wasted several hours laying in bed in a partially asleep state before I finally got up and got breakfast. What it allowed opportunity for was my mind to wander, and in its wandering it ventured into visions or dreams, flashes of a woman's face. I feel like I have seen her before in my dreams, glimpses of a possible future or alternate present.
The first time I saw her, we were meeting for the first time and she told me my hair was stupid, but she said it with a smile. Hers was long and dark, straight and perfectly straight. She was asian, though I have no idea what more specific than that. I felt slightly embarrassed by her telling me that. My hair was like it is now, shaved down to the skin on the sides, fading to long for someone in the military on top.
I saw her again this morning, a glimpse of her in a kitchen, her hair cut short, as she was cooking something. She was smiling again. I saw glimpses of her lips in various expressions. I got the feeling that wherever, whenever this was, she made me feel whole, complete. Whenever, wherever this was, she was mine, and it was good.
It's left me with an empty feeling. A reminder that my subconscious thinks that if I can find someone to be my soulmate, it will magically fix everything that is wrong with me.
I just want to cry myself to sleep to stop feeling.
Dear Father, you taught me to hate. You taught me to hurt. Because you were something I did not want to be, I hated and hurt myself instead of others. It's never been physical, but mental scars are just as wounding.
Dear Mother, you taught me to distrust. You taught me to be wary of everyone around me, to judge. Because of you, I don't feel safe with people.
It is how you raised me.
Your son.