ikkorous

After an incredibly bad start to Monday that had me at the third worst emotional state since this deployment began, it leveled off into decent as things getting accomplished gave good feelings. Today thus far has been much better, and I am resolving to start doing daily exercise again starting today, because I haven't been exercising regularly since before Christmas and seeing as the rest...
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Been enjoying The String Quartet's Tribute to Incubus CD today. I've been in love with classical string instrument adaptations of rock songs since I first heard Apocalyptica's Metallica covers. Discovered a couple of Japanese artists while I lived there that put on a good show. Been teaching myself some rock songs since I've bought a violin over a year ago, but I'm still not that...
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Another wonderful day in Kuwait. The sun is high, the heat is high, and the wind is high. Nearly blew over our 15 meter masts. Little sleep, less to do right now, and the roads are black, so odds of up leaving before the wind storm is over are nil. On the bright side, I still have plot bunnies pouncing about my head, so i...
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Another day on shift, another night of procrastinating my deployment away. If any of you are in the military, be very careful what you say to whom, and how you approach getting behavioral health help. If you aren't careful, you may wind up barred from reenlistment and flagged as a nutjob, which will prevent you from advancing any further and attending certain schools such as...
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Tonight I'm doing okay, all things considered. Things are probably going to get worse soon, unless the other sergeants are blowing smoke again. They don't believe me when I say I can't seem to cope with extra stress anymore. Maybe I'm not trying, maybe I'm letting myself break down. Who knows.

Tomorrow, no, today, I'll be dragged out to the range to fire the grenade...
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The pills aren't working, or if they are, then I'm even worse than I have ever been before, as I'm just as bad as I've been at my worst. Attempts to bring me above neutral for longer than an hour are generally failing. That's not entirely true. Distraction worked well the other day. Maybe if I could sleep, I could function...

Today I started trying to record my hourly emotional state. Put simply, it looks like a roller coaster. It's silly, really. There's been a couple of times today that I have put in a second notation ten minutes after a notation because of a dramatic shift. On the bright side, at least now I will be able to explain myself with more than vague descriptions....
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I was warned today by my counselor that I might get barred to reenlistment by my command as an attempt to "kick my ass into gear." As if telling me "you're depressed, so to help you out, we are punishing you" would help me if I were actually interested in staying in but was still depressed.

I was also told to try to keep a...
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Another day down, another closer to leaving Kuwait. Showed my ass today, figuratively speaking. Work stuff is falling through the cracks and getting left by the wayside, adding further evidence that I am not right for this job anymore. Can't seem to stop messing up. Next mental health appointment is tomorrow. First one in several weeks. I am going to be tired, which will make...
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Family drama. Fun. Mom thinks one of my younger sisters has gone mental, my older sister is stirring up drama and lying about her, and that my father is poisoning said younger sister's mind against her. Meanwhile I'm just like "Erm...I just wish I weren't alone." It's days like today that I realize that nothing would really change if I were not in the Army.

I feel like I'm losing weight. I have no desire to go exercise, I'm even losing the restlessness that I used to get when I hadn't run in a while. I've been negative for a while now, even before I came out of the field. Make it up to neutral sometimes. Positive very rarely, and that's mostly a false positive that lasts as long as...
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