My brain is clogged up with vagueness.... filled with ghosts... with inner demons... with steam.... with smoke.... all impenetrably opaque yet without substance or weight....
Half-formed ideas evaporate from my bubbling mind before they can ever be realized. Like the undefined quanta that form our universe and our reality, neither existing or not existing until they're observed from outside their own state of ambiguous existence.
Everything changes, everything falls apart. Entropy creeps in from every direction, filling up the room, crumbling the walls, devouring or displacing all that I've put together over decades.
Last month I would have said, "Never look to the past.... never try to recapture some ideal from your childhood..."
I would have told you, "One can never find those lost aspects of ones past. That you'll find the past is only a phantom image, not something you can grasp in your hands."
I'd have told you, "One must look to the horizon before you and find something new. Fill your mind and life with new and undiscovered wonders..."
But here I find myself.... facing backwards.... walking backwards.... connecting with people and places that I had thought were long lost to me.
Suddenly I realize that perhaps the life I was living leading me to a dead end... a cul de sac. Perhaps my future lay in entirely another direction.
I turned around, and of course, I see that there was another horizon behind me. Another potential future... another life.
In every direction I see it.... nothing is closed to me.... all the bridges I had thought I had burned had never even caught fire.
I'm back at square one.... where this all began.... where it begins again..... I might as well plant a flag here 'cause I know I'll wind up here again someday.... this is who I am... this is what I do.... go forward and return back....
It's not a bleak outcome at all....
It's hopeful....
A billion unplumbed futures all lined up before me. A billion windows of opportunity. A billion ways to improve the qualities of my life.
It's lonely and frightening... but it always is when you've left something behind.... And now my future has been left in the past.
Unrealized and abandoned for greener pastures spread out before me.
I'm a new person... I needed a new future.... and here it is...
Half-formed ideas evaporate from my bubbling mind before they can ever be realized. Like the undefined quanta that form our universe and our reality, neither existing or not existing until they're observed from outside their own state of ambiguous existence.
Everything changes, everything falls apart. Entropy creeps in from every direction, filling up the room, crumbling the walls, devouring or displacing all that I've put together over decades.
Last month I would have said, "Never look to the past.... never try to recapture some ideal from your childhood..."
I would have told you, "One can never find those lost aspects of ones past. That you'll find the past is only a phantom image, not something you can grasp in your hands."
I'd have told you, "One must look to the horizon before you and find something new. Fill your mind and life with new and undiscovered wonders..."
But here I find myself.... facing backwards.... walking backwards.... connecting with people and places that I had thought were long lost to me.
Suddenly I realize that perhaps the life I was living leading me to a dead end... a cul de sac. Perhaps my future lay in entirely another direction.
I turned around, and of course, I see that there was another horizon behind me. Another potential future... another life.
In every direction I see it.... nothing is closed to me.... all the bridges I had thought I had burned had never even caught fire.
I'm back at square one.... where this all began.... where it begins again..... I might as well plant a flag here 'cause I know I'll wind up here again someday.... this is who I am... this is what I do.... go forward and return back....
It's not a bleak outcome at all....
It's hopeful....
A billion unplumbed futures all lined up before me. A billion windows of opportunity. A billion ways to improve the qualities of my life.
It's lonely and frightening... but it always is when you've left something behind.... And now my future has been left in the past.
Unrealized and abandoned for greener pastures spread out before me.
I'm a new person... I needed a new future.... and here it is...