This seems to be one of those days... a coworker asked if there was a full moon tonoght. no almost the opposite in fact. She clenched her face and gave a ligh shake of her head. As if her head were one of those games, where one tries to get the silver balls to land in the pre-cut holes in the board. I don't think it worked. As for myself, I awoke feeling dehydrated. The muscles were tight and each movement felt like what I suppose being covered partially in concrete must feel like. Mythoughts were like knives stuck into the same overcrowded basket of my feelings. For a second, one wants a bullett to make it go away. This is what J talked about feeling as she tried to decide leaving the the asshole who strangeld her with a phone cord and though married felt compelled to fuck her at knife point. I wonder if that last part is true. she always had a knack for lying, just to dramatize, as if she didn't have enough about her to keep the attention going. But she was talking about it, the bullett not because of thought or sadness but because one's mind was just cluttered. Well, that isn't anything a cup of coffee and the strategic placement internal force field didn't fix for me. But still, I see other sadnesses here, tonight in SG land. Strange self-doubts encroaching. Maybe there is soemthing odd about this moon afterall. It's odd but within the next two weeks and throughout the month of May, the psych wards will fill up in the hospital and the suicide rate will climb to 4 times the mean for the rest of the year. Just this brief period of time. Every year, like clockwork. No one knows why, the only thing all the scientists, doctors, and academics can propose is that the position of the moon does something to our circadian rhythyms. It has nothing to do with age, race, sex, or region. Or maybe daylight savings time is robbing all of us who hate schedules already of some of our precious freedom?
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"You know I only asked you because I didn't know how to ask anyone for anything"
"But I felt trapped. I'm not Mother.. whoever she was."
"Mother Theresa."
"Who cares --"
"You're dating a Catholic now. he might not admit it, but he would be disappointed if you didn't know her name. Of course, then he would get to teach you.."
"Just shut the fuck up already. My god, you're obnoxious! He's not even Catholic."
"Oh, he's Catholic alrght. Still."
"What did I just say?"
"Right." (pause) "Anyway, I didn't want to rest in the infirmary while you played the mothering angel. Not even a nurse for Christ's sake. You never understood that I, anyone really is incapable of loving a nurse or a mother."
"And you know I'm not one!"
"Before you did."
(with tempered exasperation) "So why'd you ask me that."
"Because if you would have said "yes" it would have been from the part that made me love you. (silence) That makes me almost in love now."
"Still?"
"Love isn't a still thing. aybe you shouldn't try to box it-"
(recovered) "Some people call that kind of activity a seizure, you know"
(smiles all around - one of relief. one of something like compassion)
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I like that. Any critical comments are welcome on the dialogue. Dialogue has always been a weak point. This is too new for me to tell though. In the mean time - fire away!