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igobymanynames

Reunion

Member Since 2004

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Monday Oct 04, 2004

Oct 4, 2004
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Too deep and not deep enough

As of late I have felt many things... instinctually andas a reaction. Somethigns I simply cannot put my finger on. some vague sahpes in the shadows. Are these shadows I once knew or felt vaguely? Yes, at least one of them. But I simply beat it last time. Now it's back.

You see, apathy is a normal thing when one is on the lower end of a power relationship. One gets blind, tired and seeks distraction in anything. But what if you don't need distraction? And I rarely do, and take it in small bits when I do need it. Sometimes this is problematic for me. sometimes. But apathy... roll up in a corner and die. Apathy.

The odd thing about being on the disempowered side of things is how it effects the rest of my life. Giving becomes difficult, because giving makes peeople open and when you are trying not to feel disempowered you hang onto every bit of yourself. I do have a rule, never to take from anyone without being able to pay them back. Using others is a weakness that breeds disaster and ugliness. Anywho, things like intimacy don't provide relief, but only more stress. It isn't fair if you can't give someone what they need. And so often sex is more than sex. Rather we can't pretend that it isn't whatever else it may be for you. Do people have damed clue what they invite into themselves?!? Don't they know when someone can play with fire, you should keep them away from theirr own fire, lest it spill and set your drapes on fire leaving your weaknesses bared for them to see all too clearly?

That is what makes me worry about people.

These shadows of mine seem to have to do with desire and then, looking deeper, power and freedom are there as well. Buried in all of the questions sexual intimacy lays bare and spread. But still they are just shadows, possibilities. I think for now I can only look from a distance. My third leg will need to be removed again. Terror will ensue.

Sometimes I think everything can be reduced to an analysis of power relations. I think the key has to do with saying 'yes' or 'no.' I'm too old to say yes to everything. I know too much and too little to say 'yes' to everything. There is little room to dare? Why do I think that? All I can ever do is throw myself up to the happenings of Goddess Chance and that black box on the end of the string that hangs from her black finger.

All aboard?

Current Mood: Oh boy. What am I getting myself into? wink
Current Music: Herbie Mann - Mellow Yellow

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