ignominy

I got my degree in the mail finally. I owe over $100k in loans. I was in the middle of 4 books, but I haven't picked any of them up in a few weeks. I've been watching the moon a lot lately. I know that sounds new age-y, but it's not like that. I like seeing the curve and the shadows in the craters. It's not a photograph, it's not television, and it's not CGI. It's a real, massive, serious hunk of rock, and it just sits there all night.

I think a lot lately about how small we are and how nothing matters. And it may seem pessimistic, but it really comforts me. I can't possibly screw anything up no matter what I do. I could hurt a lot of people, but really, ultimately, it wouldn't change the earth's rotation, or cause any disruption whatsoever in the billions and trillions of miles of empty space out there. I don't want to hurt anyone, though. Cool it, kato.

I like to imagine that the explanation for weightlessness in outer space is that everything's falling. We're all falling straight down and we have been for trillions of years, and one day, we're going to hit the bottom. Cosmic pancakes. What will happen then? Perhaps we'll be swept up into a dustpan and tossed down a trash chute. A giant trash chute and everything will start over. New planets, new oceans, new governments, new television shows. See how ridiculous that sounds? Nothing matters, not in the grand scheme. And it is a grand scheme.