ignominy

So, about 3 and a half years ago, I began the 2 year graduate program here at South. Tomorrow, I will finally defend my thesis. That is the second to last step in finishing. The last step is making copies and hauling the copies to the graduate school. So, but yeah. Tomorrow. Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow. The 22nd. At 2. 22222222222mooooorrrrrrroooooowwwwwwwww. I can't help it, I have to get the last bit of crazy out of my system.

Unfortunately, there is more crazy I have stored in a different part of my brain. Here we go:

I don't hate her, I just feel hurt. Like she hurt me and didn't notice. And I have decided I want her to notice. Now, why I want her to notice is not exactly clear. Do I want it because it will make me feel better to get it all out, or do I want it because I hope a part of her will hurt as badly as I did. Do, actually. I want her to understand how the choices she made-- yes, choices, led to the destruction of our friendship. And I want her to understand how the destruction of our friendship made me feel abandoned and worthless. Beyond that, I don't think I care what she thinks. I don't want an apology, mainly because I have no intention of forgiving. I just want her to let it all go. To quit being passive-aggressive to me in public and to just reciprocate the "ex boyfriend nod" if we run into each other. (Everyone knows this nod. When you run into an ex and you can't avoid it... there's no way either of you can ignore the other, there is a nod. Not always eye contact, sometimes there is a half a smile which is never anything close to a real smile, not even a little one.. but there is that little hint of a nod. You know it.)

I'm sure in her mind I am the one who abandoned her. Logic is not her anti-drug. Not much else is either. And there I go, being all high and mighty, snooty, thinking I'm better than she is. I just hate drugs. I hate the way they change people. I think I hate pot the most, too. I know, some of you are occasional tokers, and it's cool if you can keep it reasonable and responsible. But, there's a line that gets crossed. The line between youthful abandon and pothead. I really fucking hate potheads. Oh look! It's 4:20! AAAahhhhhhhahahahahahahahaaaaaaa *cough cough* hahaha *cough* Fucking retards. If you want to open up your mind and really, like, you know, understand it all, man... read a goddamn book! Resin got your attention span on the fritz? The internet was made for burnouts like you! Al Gore said so.


I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to heal those feelings. They stir up so many more, you know? And it sounds like I'm so confused and upset, but I'm just trying to clear out the last of the emotional wreckage so there's room to redecorate.



And finally, I realize I am becoming autonomous with an alarming quickness. It is all I ever hoped it would be, and more. My life has become the life I want, and that makes all the difference.