So, it's been a while, hasn't it?
There's been a lot going on. I know a lot of people say that. Everyone always has a lot going on. I think the world would stop turning if everyone was suddenly happy and stress free, as if the world runs on caffeinated delirium and mental breakdowns.
I've been living at the beach taking care of my mom, who has some health issues. I've been unsuccessfully grappling with getting older. I look at my old pictures and see how beautiful I was, and I chastise myself for not knowing how beautiful I was. I'm chasing youth as it runs behind me, but I can't turn around and catch it. I think about this website and how I've been on here for 18 years. Just typing that sent shivers up my sign and placed a knot in my throat.
I wish I were one of those women who embrace their grey hair. But I'm not.
Every so often I have dreams that I'm a stripper again, or that I'm modeling again. Then I wake up and think I could do all of that again, until I look at myself and realize that walking in heels would be impossible now.
In trying to live a life without regrets, I have many, many regrets.
And now I'm almost 40. My Christmas tree is still up. And I'm out of touch because staying relevant is fucking tedious and exhausting. I wish I could be happy in a quiet, moderate life. But moderation has never been my strong suit.
