Certain things scare the shit out of me. Not having control of my heart is one of them.
But do any of us really have control over our hearts? If we did, then it wouldn't be what the heart wants, it would be what the person wants. The heart and the person who owns it aren't always in sync.
The last time I lost control over my heart like this was in 2009 and that experience left me cold, stoic, and incredibly damaged. By the time that tumultuous and sordid affair full of poison and deceit ended for good in early 2011 I was a shell of my former self. I didn't feel passion unless I was intoxicated. I had forgotten how to really kiss someone and actually like it. Sure, boyfriends since then had tried to fill me with fire and excitement. They were always left frustrated and cranky when they realized that they couldn't make me feel anything. Kiss me, god dammit, they would say. They would try to force my mouth open. I'd give them my cheek.
But it's all coming back to me now and frankly that frightens me.
I feel passion.
I like kissing.
It's not just sex.
The walls of this drab emotional shelter I built are being dismantled piece by piece. Such thoughts are alarming at best, though it's nice to see the sun again. There are many things that get easier as you get older. Heartbreak isn't one of them.
I never thought I'd be so fond of someone ever again in my life.
