I am slowly dissecting myself. Opening various incisions in my skin, looking over with wonder each bit of muscle, every blood vessel, and bits of skin that make me who I am. I lost a lot of myself over the last five years or so. A chunk here to acts of violence, a chunk here to vicious elizabeth.
And before I knew it, I was gone. A hallowed out shell on the beach, eroding back to earth.
Stopping the process of erosion is out of the question, but slowing the process is quite possible.
So here I am laying on my own dissection table figuring out again what I love and why. What makes me 'tick' and why I forgive.
All the while through this precarious experiment I look back and try to find where exactly everything went awry.
I used to do a lot of heroin. I haven't really made anything of any real worth ever since. That was in 2003.
But looking more closely under the microscope I don't think that is where everything went wrong.
I can attribute this unraveling to my yearning to b accepted. And because of this yearning I never really got to know who "I" am. I kept myself loosely together at the seems, giving the appearance that I was comfortable in my own self. But as I am getting older I find that its now impossible to keep up the same appearances as I once did.
Hence the dissection.
(They say that you can't discover who you are when you are in a relationship with someone, but I am going to disagree with whoever 'they' are. If anything, I am finding out more about myself by being in such a wonderful relationship than I ever have before. Maybe its because he is comfortable with himself and what he knows and doesn't know, maybe its because we can disagree without belittling eachother)
So here I am listing to songs I already know the words to, asking myself 'Do I really like this song? Why do I like it? What is it about its chord progressions and cadences that sends slight chills through my skin?
Music is a key part of such experiments.
But its not just music, its everything. I feel like I am growing up all over again sometimes.
I think this is how you heal though, and healing is a good thing.
And before I knew it, I was gone. A hallowed out shell on the beach, eroding back to earth.
Stopping the process of erosion is out of the question, but slowing the process is quite possible.
So here I am laying on my own dissection table figuring out again what I love and why. What makes me 'tick' and why I forgive.
All the while through this precarious experiment I look back and try to find where exactly everything went awry.
I used to do a lot of heroin. I haven't really made anything of any real worth ever since. That was in 2003.
But looking more closely under the microscope I don't think that is where everything went wrong.
I can attribute this unraveling to my yearning to b accepted. And because of this yearning I never really got to know who "I" am. I kept myself loosely together at the seems, giving the appearance that I was comfortable in my own self. But as I am getting older I find that its now impossible to keep up the same appearances as I once did.
Hence the dissection.
(They say that you can't discover who you are when you are in a relationship with someone, but I am going to disagree with whoever 'they' are. If anything, I am finding out more about myself by being in such a wonderful relationship than I ever have before. Maybe its because he is comfortable with himself and what he knows and doesn't know, maybe its because we can disagree without belittling eachother)
So here I am listing to songs I already know the words to, asking myself 'Do I really like this song? Why do I like it? What is it about its chord progressions and cadences that sends slight chills through my skin?
Music is a key part of such experiments.
But its not just music, its everything. I feel like I am growing up all over again sometimes.
I think this is how you heal though, and healing is a good thing.
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i've got a dilemma similar to what youve written about. mostly for me it's that i've basically not had the chance to really live the way i wanted to until fairly recently. before college i was very much locked down and accepted that. i have written journals on this site from senior year of high school and cant bear to look back on some of them. it was not a good time in my life. granted that has led to many problems, but also much good in my life. but ever since i came to college i've been doubting it. even my summer job, i sometimes doubt if i really liked it or not. it's a strange situation, the best way to put it is that i am where i am pretty much by default. the other options sucked so i went ahead with it. good choice? that remains to be seen. though i see it is that i'm 19, and at this age it's tough to think about the rest of your life...since after all most of my doubt centers around my status in college and i have seen the end of the tunnel and already worked where im most likely going to end up afterwards.