iggy

I am contemplating cleaning my room. I think a more minimalist approach will inspire some sort of creativity, and clutter has always irritated me. I wish I had thumb tacks for the drawings I want to properly hang my drawings and other pictures up on my wall. I am an adult, but in denail, so therefore I do not want to put my posters and drawings in frames.

I am coming to realization that I am not good at anything (except for activities unmentionable that only my boyfriend and I know about), and the worst part is, I did it to myself. I never had enough self confidence to stick to anything. Even riding horses I kind of gave up on when I stopped competing. I left music school when I had a nevous breakdown over a multitude of things, one being that I felt I was talentless and did not know how I even got ito music school in the first place. I think "what does it matter if I finish this song/novel/painting/poem? nothing good will come of it...no one will hear/read/see it..."

And at work today (menial retail management job that I don't mind so much) my manager questioned me on why it took me almost all day to find SKU numbers and price tags for three large bags full of random shit without said numbers intrinstic to prepping for this weekends inventory.

People think I have all the self confidence in the world because of the way I look. Because I dye my hair purple and wear funky clothes instead of opting to quietly fit in and slip by un-noticed.

But that doesn't mean I have self confidence, that just means I know I am attractive. And I do know that.

But knowing your pretty doesn't mean you actually believe in yourself. I think that is a common misconception.

I asked for a lobotomy. They gave me prozac instead.