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Dear prospective landlords,

It would be wise to stop fucking with me. List your properties honestly and accurately.

Don't tell me the neighborhood is "quaint" or "safe" or "not overrun by rats" if you've never actually lived there. If you've already rented the apartment I'm referencing don't schedule an appointment to show me another apartment in the same building with vastly different amenities, costs or availability dates unless you inform me of the changes first.

Pay a little attention to the messages I leave and try not to ask me to view a place during the exact opposite hours of those I've requested. Tell the current residents that I will be flushing the toilet, turning on the shower and all the faucets, looking in the cupboards, closets and fridge.

We both know you have the upper hand in this city. Your property's value has probably doubled in the last 7 years and everyone's willing to overspend for crap. There are plenty of folks willing to spend what you're actually charging for what you're actually offering. Why waste both of our time with bullshit?

You see, you know you're going to get paid, but I don't know where I'll be sleeping in a week, and I'm getting a bit tense about this. Not to mention the fact that I've got, well, stuff, which needs to be somewhere.

So please, just stop fucking with me. Or I'm gonna have to kick you in the nuts.

And I've played a lot of soccer.