idwraith

So there's a person I like who has no interest in me. This is kind of a pattern in my life, my late wife being the exception to the rule. I've got another friend who'd like me if I weren't a man. Having the platonic love of a lesbian isn't much I suppose, but it's the closest I have to companionship this day in age.

I'm so sick of feeling. I don't have any positive emotions lately and my jealousy and bitterness towards people in relationships is starting to affect how I feel about friendships that have been in place for years. I'm sick of being told how I won't always be alone or don't have to "choose to be alone" by people who don't choose to spend time with me. It's hard being a single dad, especially one with a special needs son. There are a lot of things I can't do on my own. I can't even take my sons to the park on my own because it's not safe to try and do with just one adult. Yet I'm supposedly choosing to be alone. My options are so limited to what activities I can and can't do. I can't even arrange time to spend with my friends because most of them don't REALLY want to spend that time with my children. Even the ones who say they do don't. My kids are hard. They're turning 5 & 2 in the next coming months and that's a tough age, especially for my oldest whom has the special needs. He can be hard to deal with.

Most of my friends are not married. They're in relationships but they're not relationships that lead to having children. I'm at a very different place in my life. I'm a widower with two children. That shapes my life. Lately the kids are all I've been living for. I don't find any real joy in life. Books have lost their captivating power. I can't write anymore. I can barely blog....and when I do it's nothing but whining. Even with the medications I'm on I'm nothing but depression and anger. It takes all my energy just to spend every day with my children. I've almost completely lost my sense of self. I'm enrolled in classes for the fall but I don't really know why, my lust for education has died out completely. I just know I can't afford to pay back my student loans. Everything is ash.

In 6 days it'll be 6 months since my wife died. I haven't recovered at all. If anything it hurts more every day.