idwraith

So my psychiatrist has ruled me unable to work for the foreseeable future. I'm not shocked, though I'm a little disappointed with myself. I've been handling my bipolar disorder for 17 years now and this last year has been the hardest in my life. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself, with all the stressful things I've been going through I'm lucky to have only spent a couple of days in the psych ward, it could have been longer. Graduate School, my wife's knee injury, the surgery, the embolism and her passing away. The worst depressive phase I've had in over a decade. Breaking up with my girlfriend, my wife breaking up with the married couple she was dating. I still feel bad she didn't get more time with her boyfriend, but he made her happy and that's important. My son's special needs and getting everything set up for him to get the proper schooling now that Kindergarten is going to start. My younger son entering his terrible twos. My grandfather's continued battles with cancer and repeated near death hospitalizations.

It's a lot to take in. A lot of it is overwhelming and it's no shock that I'm burned out and that it's growing hard for me to keep a solid grasp on things. My school work has suffered so much this last year, classes dropped and just substandard work done because I can't focus on getting it done better. The medication changes every couple of months as we try to find something where the side effects aren't kicking my ass but the medication actually is helping.

Having CPS called on me by Sister-In-Law because the "thought they could help" and having to face them investigating me two days after my wife's memorial service. Having them called again because the daycare found some poop on my kids tush. (Hello, he's 1, dirty fart maybe?) and just fighting this constant feeling that people don't think I'm a fit parent and are trying to take my children away. Fighting those feelings myself. It's all just been a lot to cope with.