I was talking to the lovely junecarter and organizing some of the thoughts. I know I've been venting a lot of negative emotions on here lately. That's partly because I feel like this community has been the most supportive that I've had since my wife passed away.
My problem is that I come from a family line riddled with mental disease. My mom's side of the family has a history of bipolar disorder and other mood problems, including successful suicide. I've been fighting my bipolar disorder since I was 13. For 17 years I've been maintaining my mental health, a struggle that seems to get harder the older I get. I'm also really sensitive to the side effects of medications, which has kept me from getting a solid medication routine down.
Right now I just feel alone. For seven years I've had someone to snuggle with whenever things demanded it. I'm used to being within arms reach of someone I care about. I'm used to sleeping next to a person. Hell, I'm used to waking a person up with sex, just because the feeling of them next to me made me crazy. I've always been a touchy feely person, most comfortable when I've had someone to touch and hold. Now I've been without that for 4 months and I'm feeling a serious lack.
I don't necessarily define myself by the partners that I have. I've had casual lovers and fuck buddies and gone long periods of time without a partner. I don't NEED a partner to be happy. But being bipolar means I have swings of depression and mania and they can come at inopportune time. Every decade or so I get one of the swings much more powerfully than at other times. The passing of my wife has caused me to enter a depressive cycle deeper than any I've had since the first woman I ever slept with had an abortion with what may well have been my child.
Once I'm on a steady medication regime I'll be more functional and less emotional. For the most part I'm a fairly rational even tempered guy.
Of course, I also occasionally dress up in funny masks and do weird pagany things. But that's not terrible is it?
My problem is that I come from a family line riddled with mental disease. My mom's side of the family has a history of bipolar disorder and other mood problems, including successful suicide. I've been fighting my bipolar disorder since I was 13. For 17 years I've been maintaining my mental health, a struggle that seems to get harder the older I get. I'm also really sensitive to the side effects of medications, which has kept me from getting a solid medication routine down.
Right now I just feel alone. For seven years I've had someone to snuggle with whenever things demanded it. I'm used to being within arms reach of someone I care about. I'm used to sleeping next to a person. Hell, I'm used to waking a person up with sex, just because the feeling of them next to me made me crazy. I've always been a touchy feely person, most comfortable when I've had someone to touch and hold. Now I've been without that for 4 months and I'm feeling a serious lack.
I don't necessarily define myself by the partners that I have. I've had casual lovers and fuck buddies and gone long periods of time without a partner. I don't NEED a partner to be happy. But being bipolar means I have swings of depression and mania and they can come at inopportune time. Every decade or so I get one of the swings much more powerfully than at other times. The passing of my wife has caused me to enter a depressive cycle deeper than any I've had since the first woman I ever slept with had an abortion with what may well have been my child.
Once I'm on a steady medication regime I'll be more functional and less emotional. For the most part I'm a fairly rational even tempered guy.
Of course, I also occasionally dress up in funny masks and do weird pagany things. But that's not terrible is it?