idwraith

Well, the last couple weeks I've been having mood swings beyond comprehension. My meds have kept me from being purely depressed, but at the same time they make me so tired I'm having trouble functioning. So then I drink caffeine to stay awake. Too much caffeine and I get really irritable. This cycle has me on a roller coaster and I'm just not digging it. I have an appointment on Friday with my shrink and we'll probably have to do a med readjustment. This is getting frustrating because the meds work well for like 2 - 3 weeks then the side effects get bad and I can't power through them. It doesn't really matter that this med has also made me next best to impotent because I have no one to have sex with anyway.

I've been in such strange moods too. I'm constantly craving adult company, but when they're here I have a hard time interacting with them. I've been getting easily frustrated and snappish towards my sons which really bothers me. I've been getting tension headaches and neck cramps to a ridiculous degree.

Frankly I've got no self-esteem at this point. I've gained 60lbs in the seven years I was with my wife. I've gained two kids. I've lost my employment. I've spent time in a psych ward, and some days feel like I should still be in. I've been getting shrink treatment for about a 8 months now. I still haven't gotten a good working med treatment system in place. I'm borderline agoraphobic, pagan, and I don't believe in monogamy as the right personal choice for me. That's a lot of shit to ask someone new to deal with. I just don't buy that someone new is going to come along and want to deal with all of this.... yet I don't want to give up being me.

If anything I'd like to develop the mental discipline to further my pagan studies, get back to writing and maybe even start exercising again. But it was hard enough for me to get out of the house emotionally when I had a partner who went with me every time.

BLAH... BLAH. Fuck it. /rant