So tonight I deleted my paganspace and okcupid accounts. They weren't working for me and frankly I get tired of talking to stupid people, or reading their posts. I've left all the groups I was in on here, except for the UpstateNY one, and that'll probably come soon.
I've come to realize that I have a lonely path ahead of me, and that's for the best. I need to stop worrying about myself so much and start focusing on my sons. They need more than I've been able to give them and that's because I've been wasting my time online with all of this unnecessary crap. I'm still going to have my school work but this decreases the things that keep me from focusing on them pretty significantly.
I've been looking back over my life, the last decade of it... and I've realized it's been a long time since I've actually felt a sense of community. I did with my wife, but now that she's gone I've been coming to see how wrong I was about so many of the friendships that I've seen formed. I've come to see how much of that was just her and.... well I don't have the energy or the strength to try and shoulder her role as well as mine. I just can't do it.
All these people think they know me, but they only know the me that was with Blythe. That person isn't here anymore. He died when she did. Even when I was with her I was a sarcastic asshole. Now I just generally hate being around most people. When they're in a good mood it causes me pain because I'm not in a good mood...and when they're not in a good mood I can't deal with the extra burden that puts on me. I've basically failed at the friendship bond. I've come to realize just how many of my friendships have drifted away until they exist in name only...and how many of the friendships that claim to be as tight as family... are doing it out of memory for my wife, or love of my children. I don't mind that people love my children, or honor Blythe's memory. But I don't need the fake friendship that comes with it. I can set up time for them to play with the boys. That's fine. But I don't need people pushing themselves into my life and trying to make it fit.
It doesn't fit.
It's broken fucking glass being shoved into my heart and I just can't take it anymore.
I've come to realize that I have a lonely path ahead of me, and that's for the best. I need to stop worrying about myself so much and start focusing on my sons. They need more than I've been able to give them and that's because I've been wasting my time online with all of this unnecessary crap. I'm still going to have my school work but this decreases the things that keep me from focusing on them pretty significantly.
I've been looking back over my life, the last decade of it... and I've realized it's been a long time since I've actually felt a sense of community. I did with my wife, but now that she's gone I've been coming to see how wrong I was about so many of the friendships that I've seen formed. I've come to see how much of that was just her and.... well I don't have the energy or the strength to try and shoulder her role as well as mine. I just can't do it.
All these people think they know me, but they only know the me that was with Blythe. That person isn't here anymore. He died when she did. Even when I was with her I was a sarcastic asshole. Now I just generally hate being around most people. When they're in a good mood it causes me pain because I'm not in a good mood...and when they're not in a good mood I can't deal with the extra burden that puts on me. I've basically failed at the friendship bond. I've come to realize just how many of my friendships have drifted away until they exist in name only...and how many of the friendships that claim to be as tight as family... are doing it out of memory for my wife, or love of my children. I don't mind that people love my children, or honor Blythe's memory. But I don't need the fake friendship that comes with it. I can set up time for them to play with the boys. That's fine. But I don't need people pushing themselves into my life and trying to make it fit.
It doesn't fit.
It's broken fucking glass being shoved into my heart and I just can't take it anymore.
drusylla:
*hugs*